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Post by Shanna on Jun 20, 2005 21:00:07 GMT -5
From Nicholas to Gus... Chapter 15
Sorry it’s been a while since I’ve written an entry…
Harley and I’ve been busy at work on Blake’s stalker and in between she and I have been slowly trying to get to know each other better. Let me see if I can some up what’s happened…
Well since that day in our office she and I’ve been trying to take it slow and even though we are partners we are still getting use to being more than partners (If you get my drift) Her family has figured she’s lost her mind being with me. Her dad seems to hate me; he’s realized that his daughter and I seem to be more than professional partners. And he wants to protect his little girl from being hurt. (That I can understand; I’ll do what I have to, to protect Harley.)
We decided to try spending time together for a while and it worked for a bit until she realized that the sitter was still at her house and had to go so I suggested we all have dinner together… I told her I was a whiz at the microwave and she agreed to come back. When she came back; after getting Zach and Jude settled we talked and kissed then the lasagna exploded in the microwave and scared us both (I can’t believe it exploded!)
We decided to investigate more on the case so we went to the home town of Tory. I had stopped on the side of the road to show Harley the stars and when I tried to start the car a few minutes later it wouldn’t budge. Harley said she was cold so I told her I knew a way to warm up--- we danced on the side of the road until the battery died completely.
I’ll never forget that night! One of the best of my life-- just to have her in my arms.
Some guy came along later with his dog and towed us to his mechanic shop he told us he’d work on it in the morning so we ended up sleeping in my car. After the car was fixed we got to Tory’s and found what we needed then we started to head back (but I had a plan for us)
The car started acting strange thanks to the spark plug I’d pulled and we hitch hiked until a car picked us up and left us at the hotel I had made arrangements with. Harley thought it would be a dump LOL
I just wanted time for the two of us… is that two much to ask? I had told her about the spark plug and after she was through being irritated she thought it was sweet and we began making out. But idiot me threw my shirt at the fireplace and caught the room on fire. Harley and I ran back to my car and tried to make out in the back but got caught and ended up in jail for the night.
As we were sitting in our cells I told her about the first time I was locked up and my dad came and spent time with me. The next morning she proceeded to tell me how the other men in her life had hurt her and she expected me to do the same. I blew up at her and asked for her to just give me a chance… that’s all I was asking for
Sometime later we caught another case so we began looking into it when the chief called me out—he’d found out about the hotel room and why we were there. He was ready to blame Harley and reprimand her but I asked him not to – that it was my fault and when he asked me why I had to tell him
I was in love with Harley.
Some warm sensation came over me and I knew she was close. Glancing up I saw the mirror and realized she was there; carefully I stood as I continued explaining to Franklin about Harley and went to the mirror as I told him how I loved her.
Since she wouldn't go on a vacation until things were calmed down at work plus she didn’t want to leave her family—I brought a mini vacation to her; I brought the Isle of Greece to her. We danced we laughed we kissed and we made love, this was the first time together and with her it touched me in a way I never thought it would.
More later
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Post by Shanna on Jun 20, 2005 21:05:02 GMT -5
From Nicholas to Gus... Chapter 16
They shared a smile when Harley leaned against him and looked up. He stroked her cheek with a finger. Wanting to keep the contact with her he slowly began to knead the nape of her neck as well as her shoulder. She turned the page and began to read.
She was so sad today… my heart hurt for her.
He felt her tense a bit when she didn’t move for a minute when she read the first line of his entry. “About me?” she whispered. “Yeah you’ll understand as you read.” He replied slipping his arm around her waist as she continued.
Harley had gone to see Rick at the hospital so I decided to wait. I wanted to be here for her if she needed someone. Her dad apparently was in her irritation radar at the moment and not me because when she’d come in earlier they talked for a bit. When I went up there Buzz looked passed her to me and said something to me.
It wasn’t as bad as his normal sayings so he must be warming up to me LOL we’ll see! She had decided to go see Blake before she went to see Rick so I watched as she left.
I wanted to stay close…
I was taking a sip of my coffee when I’d seen her walk by the window when she came back. Slipping off the stool as she came in she walked straight in my arms and she looked liked she was ready to cry.
Kissing her cheek I asked her what was wrong; all she told me was Rick was really sick. Pulling her to a table we sat and she just started talking about Rick and how much time he had left.
All I could think to say in some way to comfort her was about a lesson I’d learned… stupid way to comfort her I know but it was about if 2 people really loved each other; they had to grab on with both hands and not let go since none of us really know how long we have. I knew Rick loved Mel and he loved Harley & his Jude and he’d fight to hold on.
I could see she was tired and wiped out so I asked her if I could take her home. She said she was fine but there was something about seeing her like this that made me want to take care of her in whatever way she would let me. Instead of taking her home I asked if I could take her to my place.
She asked me, “Now? And why was I being nice” I told her, it had something to do with the “L” lesson I had learned; she nodded with an okay and I said something like, “yeah and I think my next exact words to her were, “you can laugh or cry or you can... We can have a pillow fight, whatever you want, okay? Listen to me: I'll take care of you.”
She agreed and when we got to my place I tried to make her smile so I made some cracks about my room being tidy and food that wouldn’t fossilize any longer.
Harley looked so beaten emotionally as I watched her lay down across the end of the bed. (I never thought I’d ever say that about Coop!)
I didn’t know exactly how to help her except to hold her.
I asked her to sit up for a second so I could sit down and she could lay her head in my lap. I felt her relax a bit as felt her take my hand and hold it with both hers while I brushed her hair with my other hand.
She just began to talk about how uptight she’d been when she was pregnant with Jude and then about Rick so I just let her talk.
Eventually I told her there was another part to that lesson I’d learned, asking me what I told her: Life was hard…but I was one that tried to stay clear of it! Again she asked how?
How do I explain to her? I tried my best… Telling her my first rule was I don’t get involve with anyone particular and my second rule was to barricade myself so I wouldn’t feel the pain and put it off as long as possible…
When I stopped she looked up at me and told me to go on, I said but lately I thought there could be another possibility.
She sat up and asked me to promise that I not break up or walk out on her for at least 48 hours. There is no way I’d leave her. She asked me to make love to her … so we did.
It has meant so much to me that she trusted me enough to take care of her now… I can never explain to her what I felt when she did.
We were in bed when she told me she liked when I held her! I don’t think I could let her go.
For some reason the way she looked when she came in the room flashed through my mind right then and she saw it and I felt her move closer.
Looking at her, I told her that should something happen to Rick, since I knew what it was like without a dad -- and she needed someone to do things for Jude or help him with whatever—I’d like to be that person, that I’d like to do that.
I saw tears come into her eyes. Kissing her I just held her for a bit until she had to go back to the boys. Walking her to the door I kissed her goodbye and watched her walk down the hall.
Closing the door I went back and sat on the bed as I began to think of her boys:
I don’t want anything to happen to Rick…But could I take up the slack as a dad?
I mean I love Harley but would I be a good dad?
I’ve never had anyone depend on me like those boys would. O god the thought of being a daddy is so scary. I don’t think I could let Jude grow up without a father to do the “dad” things with like camping, fishing things like that
I mean even now I love Harley (but I don’t have any idea if we’ll stay together) and when I’m around Zach & Jude I love them like they were mine. But to be a dad on a full – time basis could I do it without screwing up their lives?
Harley means more to me then she’ll ever realize… For her I’d try. I just pray that if he doesn’t make it (god forbid!) I can step in and be the type of dad I remember my dad being and for Harley I can be the friend she needs.
More Later
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“Did I really look that bad when you saw me?” Harley wondered looking up.
“Honey, you were upset thinking you were loosing the father of one of your children. It wasn’t easy seeing you like that.” He stated as she pulled his hand to hers and held like she had done then.
“I know that entry isn’t really a big milestone for us as a couple but for me that was a big moment because you let go enough for me to take care of you.”
“When you said that about stepping in for Rick—it meant so much.” Harley replied.
“Even as scared as I would’ve been -- I would’ve you know, had Rick not made it.” “I know.” Harley replied.
“You are a great dad.” She answered
“I’ve had enough practice now – I don’t feel like I’ll screw everything up. Those boys are my sons in every sense of the word, Harley.” Gus remarked smiling.
“I know that too.” She said.
Holding her close Gus turned the page.
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Post by Shanna on Jun 20, 2005 21:07:39 GMT -5
From Nicholas to Gus... Chapter 17
It’s been a just a few weeks since my last entry! But O my Gosh you’ll understand why I haven’t written anything lately!
Harley asked me to move in with her and the boys … ok I can’t think straight (breathe, breathe)
Alright we are still trying to get used to being with each other – and then she tells me I mean a lot to her and would I move in with her and the boys.
Would I? YES!! YES!!
I moved in with her now and we are trying to get in a rhythm that is comfortable for both of us. I love being with her and Zach & Jude… that may sound crazy but I do.
Anyway, I’m trying to help her out as much as I can. Her ex has found out that we are together and he doesn’t like it! Well that’s tough for him. He doesn't like me period; I can deal with that-- but I think there is some other reason he doesn’t like knowing we are together.
I could never tell Harley this but I think part of the problem is that her ex can see that she’s happy now when she’s with me and he doesn’t like knowing it’s not him that makes her happy.
I can see how Phil still looks at her at various times and I think he wishes he had a second chance with my beautiful Coop. All I wish to do is make her happy, so we’ll see.
Moving in with Coop is the best thing that’s happened to me in a long time. I love the nights where I read my “little man” (Zach) & my “buddy” (Jude) their bed time story. That’s my special time w/ them and I love it.
I love also just spending time with coop—I know its crazy but I can’t help it.
I’ll try to write more soon but right now I gotta go kiss my girl and hug her.
More later
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Post by Shanna on Jun 20, 2005 21:11:24 GMT -5
From Nicholas to Gus... Chapter 18
They sat in silence; both not wanting to interrupt these moments they share as she reads his most private feelings. Gus gently ran his fingers over and over again through her hair. Feeling his gentle touch Harley turned the page then placed her hand lovingly on his thigh.
“Do you hate me yet?” Gus wondered
“No baby, I don’t. I mean I know through the years we’ve had our rough spots but I could never hate you – no matter what you say in here.” She replied looking at the pages of his journal. “Most of what I’ve read so far has come from an angry sad man who’s had to deal with his past and now from a loner who has realized he can love and be loved in return.
Gus placed a soft kiss on her hair as he continued to stroke the blond strands he loved so much as she began to read again while leaving her hand on his thigh.
Aww hell… How much more can Harley take? How much more can I stand watching her as she misses Zach?
This is one time I’d really love to strangle my sister! She knows the truth that she could tell Phillip in order for him to give Zach back to his mother… but will she NO!!
All because Eden knows the truth about what happened on the roof that night so long ago and won’t tell Phillip; he has taken Zach from Harley and she has lost her job all from a mistake I did years ago to protect someone I love.
It was MY mistake not Harley’s and now she’s paying the price for it. It’s a high price in my estimation. I tried to talk Eden into opening up with what happened but she doesn’t want to go to jail. That I understand but I also know my sister well enough to know she doesn’t want Harley off the hook because if she is then in Eden’s mind I won’t love her anymore.
But damn it I don’t want to LOOSE Harley… she’s the best thing in my life. I’m afraid Eden will push Coop too far and she’ll walk away from me for good all because my sister won’t do the right thing.
From where I stand it seems Eden doesn’t want me to be happy.
Harley has lost her son because of me – she would never agree with me but it’s true.
One a night not too long ago, I thought Coop was in the bedroom waiting for me to get out of the shower, but when I came in the bedroom after getting dressed she wasn’t there. Figuring she might be in the kitchen I started to head down.
As I passed the boys room a motion caught my eye (I knew Jude was with Rick) so I looked in and saw Coop. Leaning on the door jamb I just watched her; she was sitting on Zach’s bed clutching one of his stuffed animals and crying.
She wanted her little boy back!
Honestly at that moment in my head I called Phillip Spaulding every vile name I could think of as well as screamed at my sister – while I watched the sadness roll through her. Quietly going in and without any words I knelt in front of her and placed my hand at her knee.
When she realized I was there she gripped my hand and I pulled her to stand with me. Wrapping her arms around me she just held on as she continued to cry. Placing my arms tightly around her I just waited.
It was at that moment I knew sometime in the near future I may have to give her up. It would kill me to do so but if it meant her having Zach back I would let go.
Squeezing his thigh Harley turned the page to continue reading:
It was at this point I had already knew that one of Eden’s “clients” had mistaken Harley as Eden and she had to carry out the rouse or get identified. My sister never knew any of this had taken place to begin with.
Apparently Eden wanted to let Harley know where she stood because she confronted Harley about not liking her based on all the things said to her about me. (Geez Eden give up already!)
Eden thinks Harley is jealous.
Harley tried to get Eden to talk so she’d understand but Eden wouldn’t do it. Then sis started talking about a certain day and Coop figured out she was talking about the day dad had been shot.
Shortly after, I came in and I remember Eden saying something and I told her to stop it. I talked to her for a minute then turned to Harley and said she should never have brought Eden from Chicago or even started to investigate.
I will never forget the look on Coop’s face when I said that—shock!
During this time I’d been trying to get at my sister but it wasn’t happening and I guess Coop figured I’d sided with Eden to protect her because when I asked Eden to leave so I could talk to Harley… Eden practically gloated as she left and Harley was doing what she could not to yell at me.
As soon as the door closed Harley let go, I remember what she said: “What are you going to do now, Nicky? You're going to sit her down and tell her I'm on to her? You've made it very clear where you stand. I mean, I'm slow, but I get that now. What are you waiting for? Why don't you go after her? You could probably still catch up to her. Go ahead. Go on. Sell me out!”
I knew Coop was upset so I let her go until she wound down then I told her that under no certain circumstances would I ever sell her out.
Eden is family yeah but Harley and the boys are my life. I wanted to have Eden think I was on her side that way Harley could have time to work.
I watched my girl walk away from me – I could tell by her eyes she didn’t know what to think. She wanted to know why I did what I did. When I explained she was totally surprised when I said I was on her side in this fight to get Zach back.
Kissing her I told her I was definitely on her side. I remember her asking me, “ all the way?” She couldn’t let herself believe so I whispered, All the way. Every way. She still couldn’t quite comprehend what I was saying so I laid my hand against her face and stared into her eyes until she realized I was serious. When Harley did I asked her to breathe I didn’t want her to pass out on me.
The look on her face at that moment just got to me, I just needed to hold her and reassure her that I was going to be by her side in every step she had to take in order to get her little boy back with her.
Not letting her go I just held her as we stood by the door. I felt Coop relax into me as I held her. That is one moment I will never forget and will forever be in my memory.
The moment was broken when her cell rang and by her reaction and her end of the conversation I realized it was Eden’s “contact” telling her to meet him at 8:00 that night at Millennium.
After our “small” debate I went with her. I wanted to see how my sister’s business operated plus I didn’t like Harley going alone…
More Later
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“I really thought you were on Eden’s side.” Harley replied softly.
“I know you did and I will admit that hurt, because I thought you knew me better than that since we were partners and at that point we were lovers.”
“I’m so sorry you were hurt Gus.” Harley replied “I just wanted Zach back.”
He tilted her face to his, “We both did and I would have done anything to help you get him back.” He remarked as he softly kissed her. She smiled up at him as he continued
“That comment didn’t hurt anymore after I kissed you and looked in your eyes. You were mine I knew that – you were just upset I accepted that.” He said.
“Keep reading… next entry is still about Zach.”
Harley nodded and turned the page.
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Post by Shanna on Jul 2, 2005 11:37:26 GMT -5
From Nicholas to Gus... Chapter 19
Okay how do I write this entry…?
I’m sitting here on the bed in a motel room, I didn’t know where to go to since I couldn’t bring myself to go home and pack all my stuff just yet. After I left her, I did go back to the house long enough to grab some clothes, my toothbrush, my journal and of course my favorite picture of her. She’ll realize its missing but knowing her she’ll know who has it. As I left I also left my key on the coffee table.
I knew this day would come… I hurt so much!!!
Mentally I’m frustrated and panicked … what if I never get Harley back? Emotionally I think I might fall apart knowing I had to walk away from her. And physically I ache not being able to touch her, hug her, kiss her and most of all just knowing she’s not beside me.
What hurts the most is this deep down ache inside me. Will it stop?
She wants her little boy with her… I understand that. But nobody seems to understand what I want… I want my beautiful Coop with me; by my side.
As I said no one seems to understand: least of all my sister-- I think I’ve gone through the rest of this day in a fog it seems; let me see if I can piece together what led up to what happened two hours ago.
Forgive me if I don’t continue in certain places…
Harley told me she had to run some where this morning so I told her that while she ran her errand, I thought I would go see my sister for a bit then we could both meet somewhere later. But I swear, if I had had any inkling how this day would have ended I would have never… I would have never let Harley out of bed or out of my sight this morning.
Kissing her goodbye, we both went to our cars and I watched from the curb as she backed out then blow me a kiss. She saw as I pretended to catch it then wink at her. I followed her until I had to turn then tooting the horn and waving I headed to Eden’s.
Reaching Eden’s and after she let me in, I gave her the magazines I had picked up so she’d have something to read while she was recuperating. Then I asked how the shoulder was since she’d stepped in front of me and saved my life a week or so earlier.
We talked for a bit about the night she’d been shot and asked if I was sorry she had saved my life. Of course I’m not. But if it hadn’t have been for her people might not have been in danger and even though she’s my sister; what she did was wrong and she belongs in jail.
Eden knows that I as a cop what to send her to jail so she’s doing and / or saying everything she can so I won’t.
Had I known what was going on – and what Phillip was saying to Harley at that time I would’ve taken Eden to interrogation right then and there? (Sorry my hand’s a little shaky.)
O wait a minute I don’t think I can continue to --- Give me a little bit.
Okay sorry; I’m back I had to splash water on my face and make myself a drink to hopefully dull the ache, why am I kidding myself this ache won’t quit.
Where was I...?
My sister and I were still talking and she being the Eden I know was doing her best to convince me why “not” to haul her butt in… very highly on her list was that she was my baby sister and I couldn’t do that. Second on her list was that I as her brother was supposed to protect her.
I had been protecting her for years and kept her secret—even went to juvenile hall to protect her. Now it was my turn I wanted to protect Harley and the only way I knew how was to get Eden to tell the truth.
When the doorbell rang at my sister’s, I told her I’d get it. I opened the door to find Harley standing there. After softly kissing and hugging me I finally saw her eyes. There was dullness in them that I’ll never forget. When I tried to ask how the errand went she just placed a finger over my lips and shook her head.
I can never describe what that did to me inside and out...
Had we not been at Eden’s place I would have pressed Harley about it but I didn’t want to give Eden the satisfaction of knowing there might be a problem.
So, instead of pressing the issue I just tightly took her hand and we stood in the doorway for a minute. Harley pushed by me and into the apartment but she never let go of my hand.
When I turned around I saw my sister’s face fall when she saw it was Harley. Couldn’t she be happy for me? I would be if my sister found someone.
As we stood together Harley said Hi to Eden and asked how her wound was feeling. She then thanked her for saving my life. Eden being snotty in her tone replied, “Well, I didn't do it for you.” She saw me shake my head at her and then pouted because I was standing up to her (sheesh!)
I remember Harley was talking about the charges I’d dropped and how neither of us could live with the charges pending.
When there was a break I looked at Coop as I squeezed her hand and asked her, “How did it go this morning? Everything all right? Where were you?”
That’s when she told me she’d been at the Spauldings’ playing with Zach and then she came straight to Eden’s to meet me.
Harley wondered if we could talk so I told her sure so we left to take a walk so we could talk without my sister listening.
We walked to Company in silence even though Coop never let go of my hand. Somehow I knew what was coming but didn’t want to deal with it.
Oh god just rethinking our conversation hurts (breathes deep trying to avoid tears)
I walked ahead of Harley up the steps as I told her that whatever she was going to say, just for her not to, just don’t say it because I didn’t want to hear her say it. I remember her saying, “I don't want to say it. We both knew this was coming. It’s –--
Hold on I need to fix me another drink in order for me to be able to finish this---
I don’t remember cracking as I asked, “Anything else?”
Seeing tears in Harley’s eyes was what made me begin loosing the grip I had on holding it together but she continued telling me what she had to, “ Part of the deal with Phillip... Part of the deal with him is that he will drop the charges against me so I can go back to work. And when I do, I'll be requesting a new partner.”
That was it, I couldn’t stop the tears from clouding my eyes as I said no she didn’t have to do that. “Don’t” I remember whispering as I watched her. I just couldn’t seem to stop asking her to Don’t do that... I walked toward her fighting tears and loosing as I told her, “ You would be cutting me out of every single corner of your life. I'd never get to see you.”
I saw the dullness back in her eyes as she answered me saying,” But I think that makes it easier for both of us.”
Easier…? Hell is what it would be.
My mind seemed to zero in on the fact that I would never see her and I told her as much.
I’ll never forget her reply: Do you think I can see you? Do you really think I can see... I can't see you at work or anywhere else. I'm getting a new assignment. That's how this has to be.
I asked if I had any say in this and she pretty much summed up our delimma: She gives Zach up or I put Eden in jail. She knew neither one of us could do it. She said Zach needed her and Eden needed me to help straighten her life out.
I was desperate I told her, “There was a way… a way we could work this all out together… now we could try.
Harley’s tears fell as she tried to say, “We have tried. We have tried. How many ways have we tried? We have tried and tried for months now, haven't we? And it just keeps coming back to the same problem. It can't be fixed. Let's just admit that, okay? And stop this. Because I swear I will go crazy.”
This was killing us both…
I told her I just can't quit, okay? That we’d figure something out. She said we’ve already tried.
I knew we had tried breaking up once and that didn’t work… we need ---
She wouldn’t look at me as she said, “It's different this time. This time I mean it. I want my little boy back.” When she did I nodded then she let me know that that to her nothing was more important than having Zach home and with her.
I knew Harley and how desperately she needed Zach home, so I did the only thing I knew how to do because she is my heart and I love her. So doing the only thing I could and because I wanted to see her smile.
Even though it would kill me: I would let her go.
I turned and walked a few steps away from her as I tried to pull myself together so when the time came I could go. After a minute or so I turned and went back to her asking her what happened now and she said these exact words:
“Now I go home and I wait. And when Phillip sees that we are really over, he will bring Zach back to me.”
I asked if she trusted Phil to do that? She nodded.
I wanted to know what she would do with Zach the first night he was back so I asked her to tell me.
This is what she told me: “Once I let go of him? I will read him all of his favorite books over and over again. And we will take all of his stuffed animals and put them on the bed, and we'll play Noah's ark with his brother for hours and hours and hours.”
I couldn’t stop seeing her alone… alone after the boys were asleep so even as my tears started to fall again I replied, “Right. Then you'll tuck him in, tuck Jude in. And when the kids are asleep 8:00 at night, there you are... (breathe) There you are. What about your life? What about your life? What about somebody to hold you and love you and take care of you the way that you deserve it?
How I hurt…
Harley begged me to stop…
I told her I wasn’t going to fight… Cuz in a fight it takes two. So pulling in air, told her good bye and started to walk away. As I did I wanted just one last look so I turned back to see her. Even with tears in her eyes she was beautiful. I couldn’t help myself as I reached my hand out toward her as I said, “You know, if you ever wondered if I really loved you, just… just know that I loved you enough to let you go.”
Even though it killed me to do so, blowing her one last kiss I turned and walking away I let her go. As I walked away I could hear her crying.
More Later…
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No words were spoken as Harley stared at the journal for a minute; then turned to face him. Seeing the tears fall when she did Gus slowly began to wipe away the tears with the pads of his thumbs. Wrapping his arms around her as she snuggled into his chest he just held her… he didn’t have to let her go now.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ To Be Continued…
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Post by Shanna on Jul 2, 2005 11:42:42 GMT -5
From Nicholas to Gus... Chapter 20
“I didn’t know you felt that way that day.” She said softly as he held her.
“You weren’t supposed to honey. I knew it was hard enough for you without him and I didn’t want to make it harder on you to say goodbye nor on me to let you go.” Gus replied kissing her hair.
“After I left you I went back to the motel and had some drinks before I ever started that entry, I just wanted the overwhelming ache to stop but when that didn’t stop it just made my guilt even worse.”
“Guilt?” Harley asked looking up at him.
He nodded, “I just kept wondering if all that you were going through was my fault; because she was my sister and if I had never come into your life you would’ve still had Zach because I would have never moved in with you and my juvenile record would never have been opened.”
“No, never!” Harley remarked laying her hand over his heart, “Even though we fought you made me happy – you loved me. No one ever loved me the way you did—the way you do.”
Gus took the journal from her and looked at the next entry then handed it back to her.
“When you read the next entry some time will have passed. I know we dealt with things after we broke up but I just didn’t write about them. I will say though, that the day you came back to me and wanted me with you regardless of what Phillip was asking was the happiest day of my life. Then there was the day you got Zach back. I hadn’t seen a smile in your eyes in a long time and it made me feel good to see you smile again.”
“Our first holidays together as a couple.” Harley said.
“Hmmm… Then we learned about Roy Baker.” Gus said as he ran his hand through her hair.
“Little did we know during that quiet time together another thing for us to fight was just around the corner.”
“What?” She wondered.
“The Letters.” Gus responded softly as he turned the page for her then holding her tightly as if he were afraid to let her go he held on even as Harley gently and lightly began to rub the back of his had as she began to read:
I just got the shock of my life today… I found out my dad who I love and thought of as my hero… wasn’t really my dad after all.
Harley and I had been trying to find the connection that Alexandra could’ve had to my dad through Roy Baker since she had him moved to a hospital in Germany.
Harley had said she had a friend in Paris who was a PI, he was going to look into it and he apparently sent her some information and somehow the package has gone missing.
Both of us have figured out where and why Coop never got the package – my sister!!! (Ah…. that girl is going to be the death of me yet!!)
She came by to see me a few days ago and knew Coop was waiting for something. We think she probably looked in it after she left here with it. Probably wanting to get back at both of us; she could’ve taken it and shown it to Alex because she came over here all angry at Harley but neither of us could figure out why.
Now we know…
Coop said Eden could have taken the package out of spite since I’m with Harley now. At the time I didn’t say too much because Coop was so frustrated and angry. But the more I think of it and knowing Eden as I do it could exactly be as Harley said… Eden could have very well taken it for spite; seen something regarding Alex and showed it to her.
My sister knowing if she did, Alex would come over here and be angry at Harley for butting in to her private business.
So, now because we don’t have the package we have to start all over again.
Coop asked me yesterday if I had kept my mom’s ring that I gave her -- with the things of dad’s I had. When I told her yeah and she assumed in a safety deposit box when I laughed she looked at me strangely but I answered telling her it was in a more convenient place. My wonderful girl looked at me puzzled again and I couldn’t help but laugh and keep laughing as I took her hand and led her to the closet and opened the door. When she saw the black garbage bags that I moved in here with; she rolled her eyes as I pulled them out and emptied them.
She just looked at me as I stood looking down at dad’s things and said with a cute smirk “Convenient!”
When I nodded she wondered how long it had been since I’d been through “my precious artifacts” as she called them. When I told her she asked if we could go through them again.
We both began to go through the stuff and she found a lot of ticket stubs for Cubs games (what can I say Dad and I liked the Chicago Cubbies). I remember looking over at her as I was going through something else and Coop was sitting there just holding 2 stubs and she had a sad smile on her face. I think she was trying to picture my dad & me sitting at a game.
Reaching over I ran my hand over the outside of her thigh. When she looked up she took my hand and I’ll never forget what she said: She said I know you miss him baby, I would have loved to have met him.
In her simple way with those simple words she touched a part of my heart that I’d kept basically under lock and key since dad’s death. Pulling her to me I just hugged her as I breathed in her scent, somehow I knew then that dad would have loved Harley for who she was being the girl I loved and for how she makes me feel.
After Harley pulled back my gaze landed on the envelopes. She followed my gaze and asked me what the envelopes were when I told her letters from my dad to my mom. “Love letters?” she wondered when I nodded she picked them up gently.
I told her I had never read them because I saw them as personal between my parents when she was stateside and dad was in Vietnam. As we kept talking about we realized that Roy could’ve known about them so Coop wondered if we could read them.
We split the letters up I had my dad’s and Harley had my mom’s. Also quietly we read them to each other.
Something in my gut told me the last letter I had read didn’t sound right, I mean in the last few letters it made it sound as if children were not possible. When I asked Harley she re-read the letter and realized it didn’t say they couldn’t just that the doctor was concerned there might be a problem. Obviously though, there must not have been one that my parents couldn’t overcome because I’m here.
As we talked about dad I still couldn’t shake the fact that something wasn’t right so we decided to keep looking…
Harley found my birth announcement and read it. Listening to the announcement I dropped my head in my hands. When she finished, she most have looked at me because I felt her run her hand over my hair as I choked out the words: “Honey, this... This announcement is a lie.”
I took it from her and began explaining about the letters and the time between them and the announcement. – Six months
Coop tried to calm me down but I had too much running through my head to calm down. I thought for sure mom had had a one night stand but Harley didn’t think so because to her the letters spoke of how much my parents loved each other.
So what was I… a one night fling for mom while dad was gone and in Vietnam!! (Dad loved her very much!!!)
Once Coop calmed me down again we began to wonder if Alexandra knew of a connection.
Leaning against a table I just couldn’t help but see my dad but somehow I knew this birth announcement led to something worse since I’d seen Eden with Carmen Santos occasionally…
Harley took my hand as she stood in front of me… I knew she could see I was terrified because I held on as she put her arms around me… I remember asking her, “but... If Joe August is not my father, then, baby, who am I?”
Joe Augustino had always been “dad” but if he’s not… then who is?
More Later…
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“I never thought when I wrote that… that the search for who I was would end where it did Harley?”
“I know you didn’t, neither did I.”
“Are you sorry it did?” he wondered.
She shook her head, “No, for 2 reasons: 1. I knew you needed answers and I was going to stand by you no matter what. And 2. I didn’t fall in love with the side of you that’s a Spaulding; I saw the Augustino side of you through who you are Gus.” Harley responded.
“But neither of us like that Alan’s my father thanks to everything he’s put us through.” Gus said.
“No we don’t but Joe and Angela are your mom and dad and we both know that.” She replied as he flipped the page. Seeing the heading Gus pushed her up and got out from behind her.
Turning he kissed her hand, “I can’t.” he said softly as she saw agony flash in his beautiful eyes. With a soft kiss she watched as he jogged upstairs almost as if he were afraid of what she was about to read.
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Post by Shanna on Jul 2, 2005 11:45:13 GMT -5
From Nicholas to Gus... Chapter 21
Harley had never seen such agony radiate from him so intensely. All she could do was stare at the steps as she listened to the sounds above her as Gus walked to their bedroom then shut the door.
She wanted to go to him and hold him and tell him it was okay but something inside her told her to read his next entry before she went to him. When he turned and kissed her she had seen the agony in his eyes along with the under current of fear.
Slowly opening the journal she found her place and started to read:
O god… I almost lost her… How could I live without her??
I sit in this chair in her hospital room watching her sleep. Looking down at times I find myself staring at my hands. Even though they are clean when I look at them; still I see traces of her blood on my hands that I think I will always see.
I have to watch her sleep. There is an ice cold fear that runs down my spine and wakes me so that I can reassure myself she is still here. I broke down this afternoon and left her long enough to check on the boys, bring her some clothes as well as pick up this journal. For you see she doesn’t know that I come back and sit through the night with her.
Not really wanting to write this entry at all… But I know I must! This was something that I’ll never forget as long as I live. So, I decided to come back tonight and as I sit here and listen to her breathe since I can’t bring myself to leave her… I will use this time to recount the last few hellish days.
Calling me on my phone that day she told me she thought a domestic disturbance was happening and that she was going to go check it out.
I told her to wait for me and we’d check it out together. Damn, I begged her to wait for me!! When I got there I was told by the son of the woman who was being held by her boyfriend that a lady cop was with his mom. Hearing him say that-- an uncontrollable fear washed over me… I knew Harley was inside.
Seeing the sharp-shooters on the roof & fire escape of the museum; I knew the police were in place I ran across the street. When I reached them the Chief (Frank) was watching the apartment window on the computer screen and watching as Harley tried to talk the perp down. As I watched I could see the perp was “itchy.”
After a line had been run to the apartment, Frank told me who the guy was: His name is Steve Guidry and he has a rap sheet. One thing I saw on his rap sheet was assault & assault with a deadly weapon. Ice slid down my spine…. I had to get her out!!! Frank told me to call and negotiate with Guidry so I did. He wanted a plane so he could get out. The longer we talked it became clear he hated all women because his girlfriend didn't tell him he had a son.
Standing there talking to him I looked at the monitor I saw he’d swung the gun back to his girlfriend. I could hear Harley saying something to him then he yelled at her.
He asked me what it was with me being polite --- that I’d like the lady cop she was polite too, Wanting to try and settle him a bit I had him talking and I told him that lady cop was my partner and I wanted her out safe and in one piece. He told me he wasn't getting out of their alive and then hung up.
O hell… hearing those words scared me more than anyone will ever, ever understand…
Frank and I watched on the monitor for a bit as Coop did her job and within a short time the phone rang and when I answered; it was Harley. I could breathe again somewhat, for now she was okay.
Talking to Coop for a second she told me they would come out but the boys (meaning the sharp shooters) HAD to back off, and then she told me Guidry was acting like another case of ours-- where the man was like a loose cannon and could loose it any second.
Hanging up I told Frank and we jumped into action to take precautions. Being her partner in more ways than one I couldn’t take just standing around so while Frank was busy I slipped out and crossed the street to the apartment fire escape. Apparently Frank found out and directed me to stand down. By this point though I could see Guidry and how antsy he was. I told Frank I could take him down.
Just as Frank was answering me Guidry aimed at Harley and she moved and I watched as they fought with the gun, moving into position in the window I aimed and fired. When I did I saw Coop facing me as both she and Guidry fell.
Like a man possessed I was through the window calling for Coop. Going to them I saw Guidry was dead and Harley was on her side, at the time I just thought he’d knocked the wind out of her as he fell with her. Letting her know I was there I rolled her over and I sat down holding her. She raised her hand for me to take and as I kissed her fingers and took her hand I saw it was covered with blood…. When I looked down I saw she had been shot!!
I never looked away from her but as I pulled at my radio, my entire life with her and without her flashed in front of me as I said “We have an officer down… we have an officer down.”
Harley had to stop reading: Hot thick tears were clouding her eyes making it too hard for her to continue reading.
Now she understood the agony and fear in Gus’s eyes, he couldn’t re-live her shooting because even now she realized that at times it still haunts him. Her heart tripped over the pain she knew he must have felt that day.
She wanted to go too him but she knew she had to finish, so flipping the page she found her place.
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Post by Shanna on Jul 2, 2005 11:48:26 GMT -5
From Nicholas to Gus... Chapter 22 (Final Chapter)
To my readers: This will be the Final Chapter… I have decided to take “From Nicolas to Gus” into 2 parts half now and half later when we need a trip down memory lane again LOL!! So for now part 1 will end after this particular entry from Gus’s journal. I hope you have enjoyed what has been revealed and remembered in his journal from Gus’s perspective.
Let me know what you think!
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Sitting here now by her bed I listen to her breathe, it is a wonderful sound. Not being able to stop myself I lean in to stroke her cheek with a finger then carefully I caress her hair. Knowing she’s here is all I need as I place my lips to her cheek to kiss her and whisper “I love you.”
Sorry where was I…
Watching as the paramedics and Rick work on her, I hear as she tries to say my name. Bending over her I softly kiss her to let her know I’m with her. I remember Frank telling me I’m not going to the hospital. When he said that I lost it, I was not going to leave her alone.
Helping the paramedics carry her out I went with them. I couldn’t ride in the back with her while Rick and a paramedic worked on her so I sat up front with the second paramedic. Not being able to touch her I just talked to her so Harley could hear my voice.
(Give me a minute…. I gotta breathe.)
At the hospital, I wanted Harley to know I loved her so I tried to follow Rick into the exam room and both Frank and Buzz followed me in and then pushed me out of the way to get to her, while they were talking; her blood pressure dropped and her heart quit.
Was I loosing her now before we even had a chance??
As we walked out I couldn’t seem to stop the tears but I wiped them away; watching Rick and the nurses through the window.
Frank wanted to blame me… He was threatening to take my badge away.
Damn it I didn’t care about my badge and told him that if god forbid she didn’t make it I’d give him my gun and he could shoot me in my head because I didn’t want to be without Harley.
Rick came out a while later to tell us that she needed surgery and they were getting an operating room. While we waited all I could hear in my head was the gun shot over and over again, if that wasn’t bad enough while Rick was confirming the O.R. we heard the high shrill of the heart monitor and I watched Rick race to her as her heart began to fail once again.
While Frank, Buzz and I watched from the door they were fighting to keep her alive but I knew they couldn’t get a heartbeat… all I could think was let me die with her because I didn’t want to be without my Coop.
A few minutes later a nurse came to me and placed Harley’s ring in my hand. Turning I told her dad and her brother that “they couldn’t get her." They walked away then I just stood in the door staring at Harley’s face as tears began. My sister came over and asked if she could get me anything. (When did she get to the hospital anyway?) I told her, “What I NEED you cannot get me.”
I took a quick look at Buzz and then without a word slipping inside her room into a corner… I just had to be close to her, I needed her to hear my voice so I just began talking to her. In just a little bit I began to hear her heart beat. She was fighting like hell to come back.
I remember watching as they took her to surgery. As soon as the door shut; it was if I was boneless, because I slid to the floor clutching her bloody coat to my chest. Hoping dad would help I asked him to put in a good word for her – because she was needed here.
I’m not sure how long I sat in that room clutching her coat but I seem to loose all capacity of time as I sat there through the night, praying and sending all my energy and love to Harley willing her to fight.
There was nothing I wouldn’t do to bring her back even if that meant willing myself to be a part of her so she’d have the strength to fight. I love her too much to let her go.
Sometime during the wee hours of the morning I saw the doors open again and it was Rick and Mel bringing her back from surgery. I got to my feet and watched them put the bed in place and I guess Rick took pity on me because he let me kiss her, with a look he nodded and I went to wait with the family. Within minutes he and Mel were back out telling us how the surgery went.
Now it was up to Harley to do what she could to come back. Pacing back and forth I felt drained but I wasn’t leaving.
I remember Rick came out awhile later and he sat with me and told me they were doing everything they could. We talked for a minute then he went back in with her.
I had asked Marina to go to the house and get pictures of the kids for me and when she came back I was watching through a window. Giving her a quick kiss I took the pictures and went in Harley’s room. Rick okayed me to stay so I sat down and began to talk about the kids and everything she had done for them.
Knowing Harley I knew she wouldn’t leave her kids willingly, she’d fight to get back to them. I have no idea what all I said that day and I knew she was tired but I wasn’t giving up. I told her, “don’t you dare leave me.” And that I loved her.
Still I kept talking just in case she could hear me. I had just been watching her for a few minutes when I heard the sweetest sound, “Liar.” Harley was awake.
So many emotions swamped me I couldn’t think straight…. My Coop was here. I stayed with her until she asked to see Buzz then I went to get him.
Two days after she woke up I knew what I had to do… I apologized to her for shooting her. She just kept saying it wasn’t me. She saw I was scared that I was the one that had shot her and she tried to reassure me. I can’t loose her again. I would gladly switch places with her in a heart beat.
Alex came to visit but I had to escort her out. When I came back in I saw Harley was sleeping so I slipped out to the basketball court for some air. It was there that all my emotions overwhelmed me and I cried, I tried shooting baskets but I was angry; I kicked the ball more times than I remember. I was facing an inquest from IAB about Harley’s shooting and disobeying a direct order…
Why did Frank have to do this to me??
(Wait I would love a drink… but I can’t yet.)
As I was sitting with Harley earlier today Frank brought in the IAB guy. Fortunately it was confirmed that Guidry had shot Harley and I shot Guidry.
Walking the IAB guy out, I left Harley to talk to Frank since I new she was upset. As I walked with the IAB guy he told me what to expect next. When I came back to Harley she was asleep so that brings me to why I’m just watching her sleep.
More Later…
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Harley slowly marks her place and then closes the book. Wiping the tears away as she stands she heads up the stairs to Gus.
Reaching the bedroom and quietly opening the door her heart hurts for the man before her as she sees him sitting Indian style in the middle of the bed with his face hidden behind his hands.
Walking to the bed she sits Indian style in front of him then gently cuffs his wrists in her hands.
“I’m right here sweetheart she whispered pulling his hands away.
Looking at her, his eyes are red rimmed and pain-filled.
“That day still hurts to think about.”
“I know honey, I know.” Harley replied as he pulled her into a hug and held on.
“I thought I’d lost you and I knew I’d go crazy without you.” He answered breathing in the scent of her hair.
“I felt you pulling me back Gus, I couldn’t leave you and my boys.” She responded. “Why did you even write that entry?”
“Because even though I knew I’d never forget that day… I thought it still needed to be written about and how I felt.” He said as she stroked his face.
“The agonies of that day started as I said, when I found out you were inside and didn’t stop its crushing pressure until you woke up.” He said kissing her.
“That’s why you didn’t want to stay with me as I read it—because you re-live it?”
He nodded slowly as he ran his hand through her hair. “Honey we came so close to loosing you more than once and I couldn’t do anything to stop it.” He said softly as he unconsciously began rocking.
“Mommy, Gus.” Zach called from downstairs. Running his hands over his face he felt Harley get off the bed and when he finally looked up she was holding a glass of water out to him. “He’s home?” Gus questioned.
She nodded as she watched him take the water from her and drink, “We’ll be down in a minute baby.” She called down to her son.
Standing Gus held her close as she asked, “What about the rest of your journal? I’m not finished am I?”
He shook his head, “No, but you can read more later… I’ll put it back in my drawer.” He replied letting her go and picking up the journal then walking to his side of the bed she watched him put it in the drawer where she had found it.
“Next time we have a free day without the kids you can if you want; read the rest of the journal.” Gus said smiling slightly as he walked around to her. With one last kiss they walked out of their room together and went downstairs.
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