From Nicholas To Gus: Part 1 (Completed)

[Shanna]

From Nicholas To Gus: Part 1

May-- Early July 2005

This is a fan fic Journal style

This is the Journal of Gus Aitoro and it is being read by GusH 5 yrs after they move into the built house...

Takes place when they are in the house that was being built in the fic "In the Silence of These Moments."

[Shanna]

From Nicholas To Gus... Chapter 1

To my Readers: This idea slowly began to take shape as I was writing In the Silence of These Moments (which btw I hope you enjoyed!) Anyway, you know we all sometimes wonder about the strong silent side to people, the side people sometimes never let you see about their thoughts? Since Gus first came to Springfield we know he’s had one so I’ve decided to explore it. Gus’s thoughts will be italicized.

The only way to explain is to write it so… (This is a GusH story)

This takes place about 5 yrs from my last story and they ARE in the new house that was being built at the end of “In the Silence of These Moments.” Let me know what you think Enjoy
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“Honnnnney…” Gus whined as he called up the stairs to Harley who was in their bedroom.

“What Gus?”

“I hate spring cleaning you know that.” He replied answering her.

“I know you do, I don’t like it either but it has to get done. We put it off for too long and besides that’s why both boys are with daddy so we could split up in areas and get the work done. Besides you know we make a great team together.” Harley said chuckling as she imagined the look Gus was probably aiming at the stairs about now.

She heard the muffled, “Yeah, Yeah, I know we are.” Come from him just as she guessed he stuck his head back in the closet to continue cleaning.

Sitting in the closet floor of the downstairs closet sorting through old clothes and other things he couldn’t help but smile because they did make a great team together, no matter what they did. He looked down at the gold band on his left ring finger; his heart skipped a beat every time he saw it. She’d trusted him enough to go down that different aisle with him that eventually led to their wedding day. He loved her with his whole heart. With her, Gus finally had the family he’d wanted, he’d long longed for. As long as Harley was his wife and he had her love he was complete.

“Still doesn’t mean I like spring cleaning though.” He grumbled while he continued sorting.

Upstairs, Harley was cleaning out their closet with a big box next to her waiting for old clothes. She already knew which comfortable old clothes Gus didn’t want her to give away so those were on the bed so she wouldn’t accidentally put those in the box.

Looking at the old sweatshirts on the bed Harley couldn’t help but laugh when she thought back on the conversation they’d had about them just the day before.

“Baby you can’t get rid of this sweatshirt!” Gus replied holding the ragged George Town University sweatshirt close, “This is my favorite.”<br>
“Sweetheart, it’s old and worn, next time we go to DC you can you a new one.” Harley had responded. “No! It’s old and worn all in the right spots plus it comfortable. I’ll get a new one next time we’re in DC but until then you definitely cannot get rid of it!” he said. “Okay I give we won’t get rid of that one.

He smiled, “Thanks Coop you’re the best. You can get rid of my FBI sweatshirts though.” He stated picking up the shirts.

She grabbed them from him, “Nope not going to Gus.”<br>
“Why?”

“Because that’s the sweatshirts I sleep in when your out of town or you work a lot and I don’t see you too often an you know it.” She answered.

He walked closer to her; she knew he knew it and he leaned in to kiss her, “I know but honey I have two of them.” She nodded, “Yes and when I wear them I alternate.” She said laughing.

Gus kissed her again and she saw the smile reach his eyes, “And I love seeing you wear them. So are we in agreement those particular clothes don’t go anywhere?

“Yeah, yeah they’re not going anywhere,” Harley replied hugging him.

Shaking herself from her thoughts Harley went back to sorting through the clothes, both Gus and Harley not realizing they were thinking about each other.

From downstairs she heard him call her, “Hey sweetheart?”

“Yeah honey?” she answered smiling.

“I love you.” He called.

“I love you too Aitoro.” She knew downstairs he was smiling.

A little later after the clothes were in the box Harley stood and set it on the bed. Rounding the bed she went to Gus’s side and opened the drawer to the night table where she knew she’d seen a black marker.

Pulling the drawer out to get the marker she saw a leather bound book in the back. Having never seen it she took it out to see what it was.

Her eyes widened when she saw the gold lettering on the front of the book: Journal. Looking a little closer she saw written in black marker under the word Journal these words

Of
Nicholas Augustino. However Harley saw the name had a line drawn through it and another name added in its place: Gus Aitoro.

“Harley you’re really quiet in here are you okay?” Gus asked as he walked in the bedroom. Thinking something was wrong he came to her and knelt in front of her, “What’s wrong?” he asked

“Nothing, I was looking for a marker to label the box when I remembered I saw one in your drawer…” she said quietly.

Gus looked at what lay beside her on the bed.

“You saw my journal, its ok baby.” He responded caressing her cheek.

“I didn’t know you kept a journal Gus.”

He nodded, “I’ve kept it for several years…” Stopping for a minute he stared at her then picked up the journal and stood. “Scoot over babe.” Gus requested when she did he sat beside her and they propped up against the headboard and he put his arm around her.

Holding the journal out to her he kissed her cheek right below her ear then whispered. “Here.”

“I can’t Gus, this is yours.” She said looking into his eyes.

“I want you to read it Harley, I’ve wanted you to read it but I thought if I told you I kept a journal you’d laugh at me.” He stated watching as she laid a hand on his arm and slowly shook her head. “I realize that now, you’ve seen the real me since we met, read it babe.”

“Are you absolutely sure Gus.” Harley wondered.

“Yes but there might be things in there that are hard for you to read about sweetie.” He said. “Then we’ll read it together she remarked and he nodded as they each got comfortable and he held her.

Giving him a loving kiss she stared into his eyes for a minute then turning her head Gus watched as she opened the journal...

[Shanna]

From Nicholas To Gus... Chapter 2

Dear Journal,

I promised myself this journal would be about how I would feel about certain things plus the entries I wanted to remember so here goes:

I don’t really think I know who I am… Who am I?

Oh dad why’d you have to leave me… god why did you have to go! You were my best friend. I remember how on your free Saturdays we’d go to movies or to the park and play catch. Dad, do you even realize how angry I am at you for leaving me? Loosing you felt like a piece of me had been ripped away. You and momma made me who I am and now it’s as if the day of your funeral I lost a part of myself and I can’t get it back.

How can I explain that I don’t feel like the Nicholas Augustino I once used to be? I’m the same but yet I’m different if that makes sense. I didn’t see myself as the son I felt I needed to be for mom or even the brother I needed to be. It was only when I began at the bureau did I feel I had a reason to heal and avenging your death dad was it. However I had to protect myself so walls began to go up. I would just love to hit something. But I’ll heal when dad’s killer is behind bars for good.

The Santos family is my arch enemy… that may sound crazy but they are. Miguel Santos killed my dad and since Miguel’s dead Danny needs to pay for what was done to Joe Augustino. I promised at dad’s funeral I would find his killer.


I knew what I wanted to be and what I wanted to do when I grew up. But I knew to do this I had to make some changes because if anybody at the Bureau found out who I really was I’d be kicked out of the FBI and I can’t until dad’s killer is behind bars plus I really love what I do.

Changing my name was just the beginning. I knew I had to if I ever wanted to work at the FBI because nobody could know who I was.

The more I work here the more I love it. I like the fact that I can put bad guys behind bars and be considered a “good guy” so with that said on to today’s entry:


Quantico…<br>
Today was a hectic day at the bureau as it always is but today seemed to be especially hectic in the Federal Task Force of the Organized Crime unit.

I spent most of today going over the evidence that we have against the Santos family. More and more comes in every day. We almost have enough to make an arrest I think. The Santos family is an established organized crime family and I’m going to bring Danny down.

My supervisor came into my office today to go over the evidence with me. He wants this Santos case solved quickly. While we were updating each other on certain pieces of evidence and running through possible scenarios I got a call from my agent in the field today who is under cover working at Santos club.

She said that from what she’s been hearing and finding out it sounds like something is about to happen and go down thanks to Danny Santos and his goons. O geez my supervisor just came back after checking some things out and apparently Mary Murto has a problem that she can’t deal with on her own and now he’s sending me to work with her and correct it. Great now I have to head to some rinky dink town in Illinois. O heaven help me!

More Later…
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When Harley finished reading she looked over at Gus who had been watching her as she read the entry out loud.

“Do you know who you are now?” Harley wondered. He smiled, “I’m the man you love.” He responded. She nodded, “That you are. How did you feel after you wrote that about your dad?”

Gus looked down into her eyes, “I felt like I needed to hit something or scream. So after I wrote the entire entry I went out and got drunk. It hurt so much to write that…” he said not finishing his sentence.

“I know it did sweetheart.” She replied caressing his neck. “Reading it now though I think I had to write it because I think if I didn’t I couldn’t have begun to let the vendetta I had against Danny go, I see now that saying that allowed me my own goodbye to dad if that makes sense, it didn’t stop me for wanting the vendetta; you know that. It allowed me a chance to grieve for a man who I love very much.

“It does make sense.” Harley said as Gus kissed the top of her head.

“As far as the other half of the entry… I was so looking forward to knowing dad was finally going to get justice.”

Harley was watching him knowing he was wanting to continue, “I knew at some point I was going to have to come to where Danny was but I think it was going to be right then. I mean we had all this evidence for the Santos family.”<br>
“I kept thinking that why would a family like the Santos be doing their business out of a town in Illinois I mean come on.” He said chuckling.

She smiled as he hugged her close.

“I was filled in on what was going down that night by Mary on the plane to Springfield and on the way to the house. I didn’t realize that coming to Springfield that night would change my life when I first saw you.” He replied

“Do you want me to continue reading?” Harley asked.

He nodded, “Yes keep going.” Before she could though Gus just held her and wanted to hold her close. A few minutes later, she picked up the journal and turned the page…<br>

[Shanna]

From Nicholas to Gus... Chapter 3

Dear Journal,

It’s been several days since the last entry…<br>
I guess the simplest thing to do is to tell you what went on once I got in Springfield and continue up until this point.

The night I got into town Mary met me at the airport so we could go directly to investigate the problem at the Santos house. We had been trying to convince Danny to turn on his mother but he wasn’t budging. Upon arriving there Mary checked with Danny’s wife and apparently he got away, I honestly don’t think he did, I think he’s somewhere close but I’m not pressing her on that issue right now. We did get his cousin Tony (or I like to call him Anthony.) I did try to explain to her that right now only Mary and I were the only two people that could help Danny right now but then…<br>
But then I saw them… three of Springfield’s so called finest… yeah right. It was two guys and some blonde chick.

They tried to tell me that this was their case. The blonde chick asked me who the heck I was, I didn’t want to reveal my link to Mary just yet but I knew I’d have too.

The only thing I could think to say was “Who the hell are you?”<br>
She pulled her badge out, her name is Harley Cooper. Before I could respond the man next to her showed me his badge Oh great he’s a Cooper too.

The other man decided to be a smart one and when I asked who he was he said people called him Mr. Tibbs and demanded that I answer his partners' questions and to show them some identification.

To be honest I loved seeing their faces when I showed them my badge and said Federal Task Force, Organized Crime. Small town cops always annoy me. They always think they know everything.

They kept saying that this was “their” collar (meaning Anthony) Harley was saying that he needed to be taken to the hospital but I wanted to take him straight to jail but she wouldn’t give up so I agreed that I’d question him after he was looked at by a doctor.

Man that kid is a pain in the ---. He wouldn’t give anything; he definitely knows where Danny’s hiding that’s a definite you can tell by his body language and the look in his eye.

I couldn’t do my job, first by the doctor telling me Anthony’s blood pressure was starting to rise and then second by his lawyer. What is it with these people?

Can’t I even get a cup of coffee? I was in the waiting area and the blonde chick and I were talking and she said she had a hunch…. A hunch she tells me LOL

She told me not to laugh at her hunches that she’d solved a lot of her cases that way. (And she’s still a cop… please) Anyway I heard her out and she tells me we have the wrong guy!

Harley got agitated with me and walked away after I responded to her “hunch” theory. Then she tried to make nice with me and told me if I needed help... I let her know the FBI had all the resources I’d need.

Moving on… After I left the hospital I made my way to the station to talk with the chief about using some offices while we were here. He showed me where then I asked that the officer that knew the most about the organized crime cases be assigned to work with the FBI while we were working this case and Chief Franklin agreed that she would. I had to smile when he told me who it would be.

This was going to be fun to annoy her. LOL

The Chief said he would spread her active cases to other officers and she’d be at the FBI’s disposal as long as we were in Springfield. I thanked him and then decided to take a look around the rinky dink town I was going to be calling home for several weeks.

As I was walking around town trying to get my bearings earlier today I came across a place called “Company” which looked like a restaurant so I thought I’d go in and check it out and get a drink. It looked pretty nice so I went in and sat down ordering myself a drink and decided to read the paper while Mary had all the information we had moved to the office at the station.

While I was there the partners in crime (i.e. Coopers and the officer that was smart with me) walked in and the blonde was gripping about me and what a jerk I was as they sat at a booth. I listened for a bit as I thought she aint seen nothing yet!

As the guys were talking to her I saw her just stop and then she begged her brother to take her place. If I had to guess they had just told her that she had been assigned to work with me – the dreaded FBI agent. She started on me again when the men saw me and tried to get her to stop as I made my way to them.

I heard her last remark as I walked up and just stared at them for a second while they tried to get her to hush. I smiled when her face dropped when she saw me then to answer her last statement before she saw me I told her that as of nine the next morning the word she could use was “boss” however since we’d be working closely she could call me “God” if she wished. She realized I’d heard her earlier as I gave her a smirk then I turned and walked out.

I just wanted to see her one more time so I looked back in the window in time to see her slide down and pass out in her seat.

Harley will never know how my heart sunk to my stomach when I saw her faint. I hope she’ll be okay.

For some reason I just couldn’t leave until I knew she’d be alright so I waited outside and watched as the two men revived her and one got her some damp paper towels to cool off.

I stood there just a minute longer; when I saw her talking to her brother I left.

Harley…

I like how her name sounds when I say it…<br>
More Later…

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Harley slowly looked at him then leaned into his arms and kissed him lovingly. “I love you.” Gus hugged her. “I love you too. But remember you just started reading; you may want to hit me when you finish.” He replied.

She shook her head, “No I doubt I’ll hit you Gus.”

He chuckled and watched as she looked back at the entry she’d just read for a few minutes as they sat in silence then looked up.

“I told you not to make fun of my hunches.” She remarked. “Yeah, yeah I know…. Hey do I make fun of them anymore?” Gus questioned.

Harley laughed, “No, you don’t, you know when I have a hunch now… it’s a possibility.”<br>
Gus nodded and stroked her arm; he wanted that small contact with her.

She stared at him for a minute, “Some blonde chick huh?” she stated.

He grinned, “Uh huh.”<br>
“You know if you tried to call me that now you would probably be hit.”<br>
He smiled, “Yes I do, but Harley you know you’re my blonde chick and always have been.”<br>
“O nice save Aitoro.” Harley answered playfully slapping the hand that rested on her arm.

“I thought so, yeah.” He answered and she saw the smile reach his eyes.

“I thought I was going to die right there on the spot when I realized you’d heard my remark.” She said. “I know.”<br>
“I didn’t realize you were outside when I passed out that day.”

“You weren’t supposed to, sweetie. But when I saw you pass out I had to stop myself from coming back in.” Gus replied.

“Why’d it scare you?” she wondered.

Gus stroked her arm, “At the time I didn’t know why it scared me but it did.” He said looking at her then continued, “Why don’t I go make us some sandwiches then we can continue.” He said getting off the bed as she nodded.

After he left the room she turned the page and began reading.

[Shanna]

From Nicholas to Gus... Chapter 4

To my readers: As I write this story, the entries will be following their history together. Some chapters will be fairly short journal entries (where everything he needs to say or feels will be said in the entry) and I’ll leave it that way and then there are times more will be added as to what he’s feeling after she reads.

However, throughout this journal I’m adding another aspect to it. You’ll see and understand in this next chapter. Please don't hit me when the chapters are short! LOL It will get better I promise. Enjoy!

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Harley watched as Gus left to go downstairs, she knew she should wait for him before she read on but there was something about the way he talked about his life like this that compelled her, so she had turned the page after Gus left the room and began to read.

I don’t know why I can’t concentrate today, I mean here I am sitting in room 5 of this motel with files all around me that I brought home to read over this weekend since I’ve just completed my 1st official week here in Springfield but for some reason I can’t concentrate enough to describe my work week, but I’ll try

Harley…

She stopped reading for a minute when she realized that this entry was about her, “Are you going to talk about what a pain in the neck I am.” She said talking out loud to herself smiling as she picked up the journal and found her place.

Striking and stunningly beautiful that’s how I would describe my partner. I noticed it the first time I saw her at the Santos house. She took my breath away.

I mean if I described her I guess I would do it like this: She has hair of gold, burnished gold. It’s cut short but not short enough that she can’t push stands of it behind her ear. Her eyes are beautiful! They’re I would say hazel but I think green more then even hazel to me. Did I mention her eyes were beautiful?

Oh gosh WHY am I writing this? Why am I writing about her!

I mean I have never had a partner that I’ve butted heads as much as with her, she has her way of doing things and I have mine so we seem to argue more than work together. Okay back to the work week…<br>
Earlier in the week I’d been going through the files that the SFPD had on the Santos since Michelle had decided to protect her husband and paid Mary a visit at the station and stolen all the information we had gathered and she won’t tell what she’s done with it. I can’t believe Mary let her even get a glance at that information. We both tried to question Mrs. Santos but she wouldn’t budge. The more I worked with Agent Murto she got on my nerves so I sent her packing back to D.C. since I’d be working with detective Cooper.

I was sitting at my desk when I got a call from an informant so I gave her, her assignment that she could do and keep her busy until I got back. When I told her what she could do I thought she was gonna hit me. We had yet another argument right there outside our office door… geez. She felt she had to remind me that she was a Detective. Walking away I left her to work off her mad.

Later that day I got a call from her on my cell to meet her at Laurel Falls and to bring the Crime Scene Unit as back up.

When I got to Laurel Falls all I saw was a set of tire tracks in the mud and followed them since Harley had said she was off the path a bit.

Reaching the end of the tracks I saw Harley standing there in front of a fire pit wearing a pair of gloves. She had said she had a “hunch” and decided to check it out and I guess the hunch paid off because she had found the burnt remains of what was left of the FBI’s evidence. After we’d looked through it and got what we could from the remains and bagged them I told the CSU to comb every inch around the falls.

When I asked Harley what made her come here she told me that Laurel Falls was a special spot to Danny and Michelle and knowing Michelle she was likely to come there.

Sometime later in the week something funny but irritating happened in the office. We were talking in the office that day and she and I were running scenarios when I saw a book laying on her desk, it was a romance novel. When I questioned her, apparently her best friend wrote it and its all about the Santos family but from the mistress’s point of view. I all but screamed that I had to have a copy of the book plus I had to talk to the author. She looked at me like I’d lost my mind.

She passed me the book begrudgingly but she did and I started looking through it like a mad man.

She’s acting really strange even for her so something must be going on with her because after that she left the office for a minute and then came back with a mug of chamomile tea which isn’t like her. Anyway I started asking her questions about the book and or some files and she never answered me.

Turning I saw why she didn’t answer, she was asleep at her desk! Nobody sleeps on my watch I guarantee it. I started toward her and I don’t know what happened but instead of calling her loudly like I’d planned of course being my normal sweet self I walked to her quietly all the while watching her sleep and then roughly but not too roughly brushed her shoulder to wake her then none to nicely told her that no body sleeps on my watch and sent her home.

I can’t have a detective asleep on the job!

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Harley could feel him watching her but she didn’t look up right away but instead reread the beginning of the entry again. She then looked up and saw Gus watching her from the door.

“Gus?”

“My words still fit, striking and stunningly beautiful and you still take my breath away.” He said quietly.

“Even after all this time?” she asked.

“Yes.” He replied still not moving.

“I know you said we’d keep going when you came back but…” she started to say but didn’t finish.

“It's okay, I knew the entry that was next and thought maybe you’d better read the first entry I wrote about you alone, that’s why I went downstairs.” He replied pushing himself from the door and coming over carrying their sandwiches.

“There are others?”

He nodded, “Yes, scattered within those pages.” He answered looking at the journal she held then back to her, “Baby you are my life.”

[Shanna]

From Nicholas to Gus... Chapter 5

“Baby you are my life.” He replied

Smiling she listened to his words as he came to the bed beside her, taking the plate from him she held it while he turned to sit on the bed. She couldn’t help but stare at him, specifically his profile. She loved to look at his face.

“What are you staring at honey?” Gus asked softly.

“You.” She answered as he laid a hand over hers and continued, “I love looking at you. He smiled at her mischievously.

“Are you going to read while we’re eating?”<br>
Harley shook her head as she picked up her sandwich, “I want us to talk for a little bit before I read anymore.” Gus nodded as he bit into his sandwich.

“Sweetheart, I don’t know what it is exactly but there is something about reading this that’s compelling to me, I don’t know if it’s the way you talk about things or what…” her sentenced died as he hugged her tightly. “You don’t think its crazy then?”

Harley shook her head, “No. Why did you start keeping a journal honey?” she wondered as they ate their lunch.

“Well, I’ve told you how hard dad’s death was for me.” Harley nodded and waited for him to continued, “I guess I was missing my dad… I was working on the Santos case and all the memories of dad that were in my head were coming to the surface and I wanted someone to talk to.

At that time I hadn’t found the right woman that I could share my life with and I had no one specific I could talk to; so I decided to start a journal, before I could though I had to come here so I figured I’d start it while I was here – to talk about my activities here, never realizing I’d meet you and the boys and make my life here.” He finished.

“Are you sorry?”

“No, never. You and the boys are my life.” He answered then noticed Harley had a dab of mustard at the corner of her mouth. Leaning in Gus carefully licked the mustard away then kissed her gently.

Not wanting to let him go just yet she wrapped her arms around his neck and held on.

“Don’t let go yet.” She asked.

Nodding he agreed as he kissed her again. He loved kissing her; he lost himself in the kisses. Breaking the kiss Harley lay her head against his heart and Gus still wanting the contact lay his cheek against the top of her head as his hand slipped down to cover hers that rested on his chest.

Both of them didn’t say a word as they enjoyed the silence.

“I love when we have these silent moments, Gus as busy as we are we always manage to find a silent moment together whether it’s like this or at the station for just a second or in the rowdiness of the family.” She remarked.

Gus played with strands of her hair as he thought about how to answer her. Sensing the slowness of his hand movements in her hair Harley waited, she knew him enough to know he was trying to find a way to answer her.

She gently kneaded the nape of his neck with her hand that was still around him as he answered, “Me too baby, as crazy as my life was when we met it was these quiet moments with you that gave me peace.

“Even when we were mad at each other and I didn’t want to talk to you?”<br>
“Yeah even then they gave me peace. They still do even now.” He replied and she could tell a soft smile played at his lips.

“Harley honey I honestly think had I never met you, I’d still be that sad, angry, arrogant, vindictive FBI agent who wanted revenge for his father.”<br>
“Why?”

“Because I’d built walls around my heart so high that nobody could reach the ‘real’ me. The others tried more than once but when I got angry I pushed back at them and they left me.”

Gus stopped for a minute and just stared down at his clasped hands; without looking up at her he continued, “But with you, when I got angry and pushed; you pushed back. You understood and you began to slowly chip those walls away.”

Harley rubbed his back, “We understand each other Gus; you pulled me from my loneliness.” She remarked before she tilted his face up where she could see him. Looking into his eyes she kissed him again.

“Come on honey I know you want to read more so lets finish lunch.” Gus said. She agreed and they both finished eating.

Setting the plates aside he brushed the crumbs off the bed then they snuggled together and he turned the page for her to read the next entry. When he did a loose paper fluttered to Harley’s lap.

With curiosity, Harley picked up the paper and opened it. What she saw written on the paper surprised her.

I realized… April 19, 2002

Underneath those words and intertwined together was a large G&H.

Seeing the date, Harley began flipping pages to get to that entry but Gus stopped her hand, “Nope.” “Oh Gus come on.” She whined. He shook his head, “No baby, please.” He asked. She saw his eyes and nodded as she folded the paper and placed it back where it was and saw the next page and began to read.

“O WHY do these things happen to me?? Tell me why??

[Shanna]

From Nicholas to Gus... Chapter 6

“O WHY do these things happen to me?? Tell me why??

I was alone when I came in the office this morning; Coop wasn’t at her desk waiting to gripe at me for being all of five minutes late.

I know you’re probably wondering what’s with me calling her Coop. I usually call her Harley or Cooper most of the time but for some reason the more I call her Cooper it just doesn’t settle with me. Calling her by her name is fine but the more I’m around her I want something different with her so I shortened it to Coop.

I sat at my desk for who knows how long going over Santos files. I’m going to catch Danny Santos in his illegal activities and put him away for a very, very long time. Then maybe my dad Joe can finally be avenged. He didn’t have to die and leave a wife and a son and daughter.

Glancing over I saw Coop at her desk and she was on the phone as I listened and watched her I heard her talking to Rick Bauer for some reason I don’t… Man she looks beautiful, a little tired maybe but beautiful… No! No! I can’t I won’t, where was I?

Swiveling in my chair I began reading through the romance novel that had been written by Darlena LaCrosse or should I say Blake Marler as a reference book to my investigation. After reading a passage I stated to highlight it when I hear “What are you doing?” from behind me. Turning again as I marked my place with my finger I held the book close told her “Research” and she proceeded to tell me I couldn’t do that. Rolling my eyes I answered her as I said to bad and if she wanted another book she’d have to ask Blake.

Just then someone knocked on the office door then opened it. I was expecting to see an officer but instead it was Dr. Rick Bauer… what was he doing here?

Harley smiled when she saw him and after talking for a minute she agreed to something he had said and I saw her stand grab her coat and leave without so much as a goodbye.

“Where was she going?

Looking at my watch I saw the time I realized it was noon so Bauer most have asked her to lunch. For some reason Bauer’s been around Harley a lot recently.

Deciding I could use some lunch as well I figured I could go down to forensics and kick somebody’s butt in gear to get to work on the evidence that Harley had found at Laurel Falls over a week ago that we still didn’t have a report on and then get lunch.

Oh I’m gonna have some fun kicking somebody’s ass in forensics to get that evidence. Here we go!!

Okay forensics has promised me that the report will be in my hands in an hour. I’ll go check on some other information maybe by the time I get back Harley will be back. Alright based on the information I was just looking at I’m sending Harley to sit surveillance at the Santos house tonight.

She was getting some evidence from the cage when I came back. When I told her I needed her to run surveillance she looked at me like I’d punched her.

When she turned to face me I saw it…<br>
I remembered that I slammed the door and leaned against for a minute I honestly think if I hadn’t my knees would have buckled on me. She said something about sitting in a van all night and before I really thought about it I told her she was a van. When I touched her stomach she jumped back about three feet and told me I shouldn’t notice. I think I told her that unless she was wearing a muumuu I wouldn’t notice.

Now it makes sense as to why Bauer’s always around here, checking on her… o wow Harley’s pregnant!

I didn’t need this… what was she thinking huh?

Asking her as much since this was not my plan to have a “pregnant” partner on a case with me she began ranting and raving about how this was her body and she didn’t do this to ruin me this was a baby and not some stunt in which I said it was. (Yeah right!) Trying to set me straight she told me that in the “world she lives in.” I won’t be any part of her life; or the baby’s… Maybe not but she’s still my partner or she is until she gets to big.

How could she do this to me? I mean this is a mob case, we’re dealing with the powerful Santos crime family and her she’s pregnant… great! Why does something out of the ordinary for me always happen like this? I mean unbelievable, just completely unbelievable.

She was still raving about it when I sat down and said something about changing the locks so her ex couldn’t get in the house she just looked at me and started in on me again.

I tell ya it must be the hormones… O help me, she’s going to be like this for the next several months!

I just looked at her for a minute as she continued to rant then I looked at the report from forensics about the evidence and as I began to go through it spots began to pop out at me so I interrupted Harley by telling her that we had just struck gold then I gave Harley her copy of the report.

Sitting on the corner of Harley’s desk we went through the report page by page and as we did the same things that popped out at me stood out to her. By the time we had finished I had what I needed to bring Mrs. Santos in for questioning on of course the destruction of government evidence plus this way I could question her at the same time about what she knew of her husband’s activities, I know she knows something.

Life is so sweet!

Looked back at Harley after I had my mental victory; she was just staring at the report. She looked at me with disbelief.

I just watched her as she said to me “I can’t believe it.” I told her to believe it, the forensics guys had found a full thumb print on a piece of the plastic casing that hadn’t burned and a partial print on another piece of the evidence and both of the prints had matched one Michelle Bauer Santos.

Sitting down at my desk I looked over the report again and made some notes that I didn’t want to forget. After a few minutes I stood leaning against the desk; when I did Coop wanted to know what I was looking at. Trying to find a way to answer her nicely so that she would rant and rave at me again I hand and signaled for her to wait


After a few minutes of silence I found the words and let her know that now that I know of her delicate condition I’ll do what I can to take it easy on her and to take her condition into consideration but that there may be times where I can’t do that and that I’d need her with me. She told me that she appreciated but she was pregnant not an invalid and that she could do the job!

I told her that I knew she could and I wasn’t saying she couldn’t do the job because she was a damn good cop only that when I could I’d take her condition into consideration.

After that we both went back to work and didn’t say too much to each other the rest of the day unless we needed too.

Sometime later when Harley was getting ready to clock out for the day she asked me if I was going to leave soon. I let her know I still wanted to look a few things over and I’d leave after I did that. She nodded as I watched her walk out.

Side note:

I have to write about this before I implode on myself…<br>
She’s pregnant!!! I knew she’d been acting a little strange for a while but I never expected this.

Harley’s carrying a life inside her.

I’ve watched her at times when Zach’s been brought by the station and she’s a wonderful mom I can see that. But what will it be like to watch that tiny life grow inside her? I mean the entire force will watch out for her that’s obvious but as my partner how am I supposed to handle the mood swings, (we fight enough as it is.) and the other things that may come up?

I know there might be times as her pregnancy advances that she can do only desk work but… I can’t explain it but it’s the quiet moments when she’s just ‘here’ that they give me peace from the troubled memories of dad’s death. If I ever told her she’d probably laugh me out of this office!

I’m not sure what I’ll have to face with her while she’s pregnant but I guess I’ll do what I can even if that means letting her do her job and see how things go! I know it will be interesting in the coming months; that’s a definite.

I guess the only thing I can do on the sly hopefully without her catching me trying to do it is…<br>
To take care of her and the life within her.

More Later…

[Shanna]

From Nicholas to Gus... Chapter 7

There is no question in my mind that Claire Ramsey knows something about the Santos activities, we questioned her yesterday and she begrudgingly co-operated with us. Every time I tried to question her; her lawyer kept telling me I’d already asked her that question.

What is it with everyone trying to protect Michelle Bauer Santos? I mean why protect her when she’s married to the son of a crime boss?

Sorry back to Claire…

When questioned yesterday she admitted that the urn of ashes that was the supposed ashes of Carmen Santos was indeed the ashes of a large dog and not Danny’s mother. Apparently Carmen got to her and threatened her using the daughter and grandson as leverage for Claire to do her bidding.

Now you’d think since the FBI is on the case and can protect people those who have been threatened would come forward to help put away Danny and Carmen since we can protect them … but no!!

Claire’s up to something I know she is.

Hang on a second… Harley’s just trying to hide something and by the look on her face I think she knows something she’s trying to process…<br>
Scooting my chair to her desk I waited. I know I shouldn’t annoy her but I know that. Anyway she was going over her notes from yesterday’s interview with Claire and she mentioned she saw her at the hospital yesterday and she was acting all squirrelly.

First of all, 1. Why was Harley at the hospital (hope everything is alright with the baby?) and 2. Why was Claire acting like that?

When I asked her to define what she meant she got uptight on me.

Leaning forward on her desk I watched her as she did things trying to straighten her desk and that’s when I saw the gold envelope hidden in a book. When I asked her if I could see the pictures she tried to play as if she didn’t know what I was talking about.

I’m not stupid, I figured out what they must have been of so I asked her again if I could see them. She carefully passed me the envelope and then watched as I took the pictures out.

Seeing them for the first time took my breath away. I didn’t say anything at first as she told me they were the sonogram pictures. As I looked at the sonogram I couldn’t help but ask if the baby was alright. Couldn’t help but stare-- the baby’s vertebra was like a tiny string of pearls I thought and it was really beautiful. When I told her I saw her smile and I mean really smile. (I love her smile!!!)

Apparently my comment spooked her because she asked me to not start showing her signs of humanity now. Standing so I wouldn’t scare her I answered with something about under my gruff no non sense exterior… LOL

Little does she know…?

More later…

[Shanna]

From Nicholas to Gus... Chapter 8

Harley slowly put the journal in her lap as Gus turned her face to his and he saw her eyes bright with tears.

“What is it honey?”

“You really thought that when you found out I was pregnant?” she asked quietly.

He nodded, “Yeah, did I like knowing you were pregnant right in the middle of the biggest mob case we were trying to close, no I didn’t like it. But being around you did something to me and I wasn’t going to let anything happen to you or the baby. I was going to keep you safe.” Gus replied smiling at her.

“I remember that day; I can’t help but remember it.” Harley stated.

“Why?”<br>
“Even though I didn’t like it, I began to see a small change with you as you looked at Jude’s sonogram. And I didn’t want to see it however, in seeing the change in you I realized something; I don’t know how to describe it?”<br>
“Try baby.” Gus asked as he rubbed his hand up and down her arm.

“When Phillip and I split up shortly after Zach was born it felt as though everybody was on his side in the divorce except of course my family. So of course when I got pregnant with Jude I felt as if people were looking at me with the ‘poor Harley’ attitude and were wondering how I’d raise two children alone; much less find a man that would accept what he stepped into if he was around me. I suppose the bigger I got those fears played on my mind a lot, but the closer Danny’s trial got my fears changed from me to you. I began to see how worried you were… The night you offered to drive me home---.”

Gus caressed her cheek as he placed a finger over her mouth to stop her. She looked at him, “and we almost kissed?” Harley nodded as he moved his finger and she continued, “I realized you saw me as a beautiful woman and a beautiful mom instead of how most of the town saw me.” She said softly.

“O sweetheart, yes I saw you that way then and I see you that way now—you’ll always be beautiful. But I can’t believe you worried about me.”<br>
“Of course I did, as I said I saw how worried you were getting but I also saw that with the trial getting closer you were so determined to have Danny behind bars and at the time I didn’t know why until I found out when you testified then I found you in my house and we talked; that’s when I realized what you saw in me and even though it scared me it took away lot of that fear. And I started to get another glimpse of the real Gus Aitoro. I told you I didn’t know how to describe it.”<br>
“I understood honey. Read the next two entries honey.” Gus asked. She nodded and picking up the journal turned the next page and started to read.

The trial is getting closer! Dad you are finally going to have justice for your death. The son of your murderer will pay, I promise. My day took a strange turn today and I can’t understand it. The only way I can is to remember it.

Don’t think Cooper would understand what its like for me as the trial gets closer. The way I thought my day would go didn’t end up that way.

We’d been working on the case until mid afternoon and then out of nowhere Harley tells me she’ll be back in an hour she’s going to her best friend’s book signing. I kept trying to tell her that we needed to make sure we went over things evidence wise so it’d be neat and tidy for the trial but she wouldn’t hear it – she needed to go!

Sitting there I watched her gather her purse and the book so that when she stood she could get them. I couldn’t help but smirk as I watched her try and get up, she didn’t quite make it. So being the gentleman that I am I went to her and held my hand out to help her.

She gave me the evil eye and tried again to get up. When she couldn’t I covered her hand with mine and asked her to let me help her. Agreeing she took my hand and with my other I helped balance her as she stood. Wishing her a good time I watched as she left.

With only one thought I carefully sat in my chair and propped my head in my hands, “What is it about her?”

Figuring I could check evidence I got to work but within about five minutes I couldn’t concentrate. Knowing where I wanted to be I took off for Company.

I saw her across the room when I got there… she looked great in that loose green dress and black jack—.” No! No! Come on Gus pull yourself together!

Making the rounds I congratulated Blake on the book and of course had Ross there watching me like a hawk. Buzz saw me and shot me a dirty look so I moved over to the buffet. It was there Coop found me and asked what I was doing checking on all the key players. I nodded as I ate a meat ball. With a look of disgust she walked away.

A few minutes later, I got a call and after hanging up I made my way to Harley and pulled her aside. She started in on me for pulling her away. But when she heard why I did she said her goodbyes as I waited by the door. Once outside I told her that we were headed to the docks to check the body.

We were standing on the docks watching the divers’ drag the river when I glanced over saw her stretch as she did a wayward piece of hair came loose… I don’t know what possessed me but I reached out to tuck it behind her ear but she did and I just stood there with my hand in mid air I just couldn’t seem to move.

Seeing her stretch again I placed my hand on her arm, when she looked at me I walked her to a crate and gently pushed her down until she sat then crouched by her. As we stayed their in silence she began talking about how this was the place? When I asked for what she told me they had found her mother’s body here.

Oh my god… Her mom was found here… how stupid can I be. Can I kick myself now? I just had to bring her here!

Listening as she talked about her mom I had to smile. Couldn’t help myself but I wanted to know her mom’s name and she had a beautiful name. One of the diver’s motioned and I thought I’d better check it out I stood. Harley saw me and asked me to help her up so I crouched again placing my hand softly on her arm I told her just to stay here and rest and if it were anything important I’d come back and tell here.

Later we met with the M.E. and watched as he went to work. As we watched she stretched and I asked if her back was still bothering her she told me it was a pregnancy thing. A couple minutes later the M.E. came back after working with the divers and handed me a small baggy with what looked like a ankle bracelet with the name ‘CARMEN’ on it.

I told Coop to go home and get some rest and that I could handle this. Not wanted to have me take back the gesture she left and went home.

Crouching by the water I looked out… The Santos family was going to pay! They made my life hell… Miguel took my dad from me all because Miguel didn’t like the Chicago PD Organized Crime Unit interfering.

More Later…

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

“I felt so bad after you told me Nadine was found at the waterfront.” Gus responded.

“But honey you didn’t know what happened until I said something, you shouldn’t have.” Harley replied taking his hand. “I just wanted to give you a back rub the more I watched you, I wanted to help those back muscles but I thought if I did you’d hit me. Besides you had already said my being “too human” gave you the creeps.” Gus said laughing.

Harley looked at him and she saw his eyes change as he glanced at the journal.

“What is it?”<br>
“I’ll be downstairs.” Gus said as he began to get up. Harley stopped him, “No, we’ll read it together.” She answered realizing what entry would come next.

“I can’t.” Gus said quietly.

“Yes Gus you can, face the man you were and realize that Nicholas is still a part of you he’s just changed for the better. We’re together and I’m still with you like I was on that day.” Harley said kissing him gently.

“Read the next entry baby.” Gus remarked holding her hand the entire time.

[Shanna]

From Nicholas to Gus... Chapter 9

Gus couldn’t stay with her on the bed and she watched as he stood up. Knowing he didn’t want to leave her he paced back and forth for a minute then with a glance to Harley sat down on the floor at the foot of the bed with his back to her.

She couldn’t stand to see him like this so she moved to the end of the bed and stretched out behind him and gently wrapped her arms around his neck and shoulders holding him still.

“What is it Gus?” she wondered resting her cheek against his, “what’s so different about this entry?”

“I was so angry when I wrote that entry.” He answered. “The trial wasn’t supposed to happen that way!

“Sweetheart I was there at the trial, I remember.” Harley said.

“I guess I can’t stand knowing you’re going to read what I felt about that day. But I did tell you there were going to be some rough entries you were going to read; the next one is one of them.”

Harley didn’t move from her position with her cheek against his as they were both quiet for a minute.

“I can stop reading the journal right now and not finish; if that’s what you want honey. She responded.

“No.” he said softly.

Harley moved back a bit and picked up the journal then loosely wrapped an arm around him so he’d have her touch to calm him as she began to read

I botched the trial completely… It was my fault! Damn it!! I guess the best way to explain is from the beginning, if you can call my stupidity (of not realizing the state would use my own past) as a tactic against me!

While Harley was on a last minute fact finding mission Ross Marler (the atty for Danny) had called me too the stand to testify about finding Carmen Santos’ body at the water front and the bullet that had been found with the remains. After I’d been questioned by both him and the district attorney we took a 15 minute break. It was in that time that Harley had gotten back. Little did I realize that particular ‘fact finding mission’ would cause me to be questioned again? Apparently during the break 2 separate things happened.

When the break was over Harley and I sat together while Michelle Santos was being questioned. I’m not sure what happened but for some reason I needed reassurance that Harley was ok… I leaned over and whispered the question in her ear and she nodded that she was. For whatever reason, that made me feel better.

It was while listening to Michelle that it was found that the Santos family had been at the station. After she stepped down Harley was called to the stand so I helped her up and then listened as she was questioned. I should’ve realized then that things were beginning to unravel but I didn’t! I thought this case was locked tight. Stupid, Stupid me.

Harley would do her job I knew she would!

Stepping down she came back to her seat and I helped her sit down; it was after we didn’t really look at each other—neither of us knew what to say. We both watched as the guy who had been doing surveillance testified that I had been at the Santos house and shortly afterward he’d heard a gun shot and then told the court what I’d asked him to do. The court took another break for a bit due to developments (Developments?) so the defendant could decide how to proceed.

Being the idiot I am I still didn’t see it coming… Damn!

Harley stopped reading when she felt Gus tense up. Slowly she rubbed her hand over his heart to help him relax. She picked up the book and found her place.

After the court came back I was called back to the stand by Ross Marler and questioned about the evidence that I had fabricated, he wanted to know if I’d told the truth about anything! (How crazy is that)

I figured he’d ask me questions about how the FBI gathered its evidence next but no… his next question hit me and he knew that Gus Aitoro has never existed

My secret’s out! It was with that one question I realized everything I’d worked so hard to be was unraveling. NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!

I tried to act cool. I was telling Ross who Gus Aitoro the man was but he wasn’t buying it and then he wanted to ‘jog’ my memory as to who I was and he blindsided me with the photo! I tried to be calm but inside all memories of dad was there. HOW could he?

It hurt so much to see that photo. All I wanted at this moment in time was somebody to reassure me that I wasn’t falling apart so I looked at Harley, I could tell even though she never saw the photo that she knew it was my dad based on how she looked at me. She was remembering what I’d told her about dad. I couldn’t react but I read her lips when she said, “It’s okay, I’m here.”<br>
I continued to glance at Coop as I tried to play down how I knew ‘Joe’ but Ross was hitting me hard and he knew it, that’s why he asked who I was after he’d identified that photo of me and dad.

After 7 silent years I finally had to say it again… NICK Ross set out to prove I knew Joe August and he did…

What can I say at this point but that I hated everyone in the courtroom! Even Harley… I hated her yet at the same time I couldn’t hate her; she seemed to be the one that understood. Ross was trying to bait me by suggesting dad was a dirty cop or I was ashamed of him because of it. When I said I wasn’t; the lawyer wanted to prove my problem with Danny was personal.

The more he questioned me the more I wanted to hit something!!

How much more can I take? My past has come back to haunt me and it hurts… hurts like hell to remember the memories when I can’t share them with dad now

Ross decides to dig deeper and hands me a police homicide report… dad’s again. I glance at Harley again and she’s watching me, some reason she’s giving me strength to read report. After the report is read Ross makes his case and has the case declared a mistrial.

I’m too stunned to move as everyone clears out. I remember Coop stands there for a minute just watching me she knows I’m stunned and with one last look she leaves me.

Who the hell does Ross think he is—to blindside a man with his father’s death when he misses his dad still.

I am so angry at Ross! He hit below the belt with this case. But then again stupid me; didn’t consider my past as a factor that would come into play. I AM SOO SORRY DAD!! Can I say I hate myself now?

Harley wipes the tears from her eyes as she sees Gus laid his head back on the foot of the bed then shut his eyes. Reaching over she softly whispers “I’m sorry” as she kisses his cheek. Wanting her touch Gus lays his hand over hers that’s still covering his heart. “I love you.” He responds quietly as she finds her place again and continues:

I don’t know how long I sat on the stand in the empty courtroom but when I stood I could only think to go to one place I had to explain to her why I did what I did with this case against Danny. Reaching her place I let myself in knowing she’d probably freak that I broke in. But it’s her I need to talk to now I don’t understand why though. After I was in the house I sat and waited until she came home. She must have sensed someone was there because she held her gun on me (that’s my Coop!) until she realized it was me.

She started on me for scaring her even as I tried to get her to sit down for a bit. When I congratulated her she thought I’d lost my mind but I explained.

I don’t know if she really cares but she asked me what would happen to me. I told her and was talking about how at some point I fell in love with my job.

Coop asked me why I didn’t trust her enough to tell her the real reason. Funny thing is I do trust her but I just couldn’t. So I began to tell her the ‘real’ reason I went after Danny; which meant telling her the truth behind my dad’s death. So I slowly began to tell her.

After I told her I realized it didn’t hurt as much as I thought for her to know. But I knew as I left that night I would always remember the partner I had in Harley Cooper. As I was leaving I told her if I left town or something I’d let her know and wished her luck with the baby.

When she closed the door I just stood there…<br>
More Later…


Laying the journal down, she stared at his dark hair for a few minutes gathering her thoughts.

“Gus, I’ve finished the entry honey?” Harley said. He didn’t open his eyes at first but when he did and climbed back on the bed with her he grabbed her in a tight hug and just held her.

When she pulled back Harley saw the misery in his eyes. Stroking his cheek softly she asked, “Why was it so hard for you that I read that entry?”<br>
“Because it wasn’t easy to know you’d know my feelings about that day. I thought some way it might change how…?” he started to say but she stopped him.

“No don’t say it Gus. I promise you it doesn’t change the fact that I love you. I fell in love with you Gus and that hasn’t changed.” She answered.

“But…”Gus started to say something but stopped. It was then Harley realized what he needed.

“Sweetheart, when I fell in love with you I fell in love with Nicholas Augustino too not just Gus Aitoro. I love Joe’s son and always will. As I said earlier Nicholas is still a part of you he’s just changed for the better with the man you’ve become now. Nothing will change ‘us’ baby I promise. She replied as she kissed him.

“You love me?”

She nodded, “With all my heart, now get up here Aitoro so we can keep reading.” She remarked tickling him and making him smile.

[Shanna]

From Nicholas to Gus... Chapter 10

After they got comfortable on the bed again Harley looked up at him, “What’s next?” she asked. “I don’t remember, let me see.” Gus answered taking the journal from her and scanning the page then handing it back to her. With a grin he answered, “You and Jude.”

Harley’s eyes widened, “Are you serious?” Gus pulled her closer as he chuckled, “Yes I am, I delivered that little boy and in the process I was hit with a truth for myself. The entry is about his birth but it’s not just about him but you too.”

“So read on beautiful, and yes it should be quite funny in places.” Gus remarked as he settled in with her so she could begin to read.

I delivered a kid today… Can you believe it me Gus Aitoro helped deliver a little boy!!

I saw Rick Bauer at Company today when I stopped in to get coffee and I asked about Harley and if she’d had the baby yet. Rick said she hadn’t but she was in the process of driving back from California and should be here eventually. (Driving! Is she crazy? She’s about to have a baby!) When I sat down I placed my cell phone on the counter and Rick did his best to ignore me. When he decided to go he picked up ‘his’ cell phone and left.

Shortly after he left the phone rang so thinking it could be the station I answered it. When I answered I realized it was Harley but it wasn’t easy to hear because of the static. You could tell it surprised her that I answered and she told me she was looking for Rick and couldn’t figure out how she got me.

Anyway I asked her how she was and she told me ‘Not so good’ my mind went instantly to the baby so I asked. She was in jail of all places!! Getting the name of the town from her she told me to find Rick but after that the static got terrible and I couldn’t hear her anymore.

Going outside I saw Rick was still there so I traded phones back with him and after asking if he’d gotten any calls I told him no and headed to Brewster Falls… I figured I could get Harley out of jail after all she is my partner. Not being able to help myself I had to tease Coop a bit after all I’d never seen her behind bars before, she looked cute.

I couldn’t figure out why the deputy was out cold though?

Then Harley started groaning (for what I thought was about being in jail) I told her I’d get her out she didn’t have to start the screaming for help. She wasn’t screaming she was having a contraction. (Yeah Right!) Then I looked back at her and realized she wasn’t just kidding--- she was in labor!

Leaning over for a second I couldn’t breathe… I had to catch my breath. We both knew it but I told her she couldn’t have the kid in the cell, gee.

I had to get her out I’d promised I’d take care of her so I went to find the key! I told her I’d have 9-1-1 here in like 5 minutes but she kept saying ‘NO, NO Time!’ So even though my knees were jelly I tried to find the key.

I kept talking to her asking her to do the opposite of what she’d do in labor and mentioned that it could be a long labor but she said not when it’s a third child!

Her Third??

Her phone rang so I answered it and it was Rick Bauer and Harley screamed through the phone about being in Brewster Falls and in labor and the good doc heard even with the bad connection. She didn’t realize Rick couldn’t hear when she ask not to be left with this strange guy (me)

I could see that the contractions were more often and so when I couldn’t find that blasted key I did the only thing I could— picked the lock and opened the door. When I got in I told her I could have her at the hospital in minutes if we left right then but she told me no it was too late, the baby was on its way… I would have to deliver the baby!

O help me? Am I dreaming? Me deliver a baby? I can’t!

As she started telling me how she didn’t want me near her or her baby something changed inside me as I pushed her hair back and she held my hand through a contraction.

I couldn’t let her down!

All my insides felt like they were bouncing around inside me, but I wanted to stay calm for Coop and so I stayed by her even as she asked if it were better that I were with her instead of Rick.

I had to do this so as I pushed her hair from her face I told her to relax and breathe and together as partners we’d do this.

I asked her what I could do to help so I helped her lay down, but then she told me the baby was coming… I was scared spit-less and without thinking told her to squeeze her legs together! Told her I was going to call the paramedics but she didn’t want me to leave her

Like I would leave her!

So I turned to grab Harley’s cell phone and as I started to; the cell door swung shut and locked… O Great!

Shortly there came Rick and we had a conversation about the stupid key again! Harley’s contractions were to close together for her to be moved… So Rick tells me to roll my sleeves up and hold out my hands… No, I can’t deliver a baby!

Taking the sheet that Rick had given me, as Harley moved to where she could hold Rick’s hands I went to her feet. Gee we haven’t even been together and I had to… Of course she got testy and she told me to look! I think my head began spinning!

I took her other hand as she followed Rick in her breathing.

A bit later she told us she couldn’t do it and she quit. I wanted to lighten the moment for her so it would be easier for her so I followed her lead and told her that I quit if she did and if she wanted to do it on her own, do it on her own! I made her laugh enough she relaxed again then told her to take my hand and when Rick said for her not to push I told her to focus on my eyes.

When I told Rick what was happening we all discovered the baby was breech… I didn’t need to hear that! Rick talked me through it and I delivered the baby soon after.

O I think I’m working on adrenaline still LOL! Harley wanted Rick to see his son so I brought him over so Rick could at least see him until the sheriff got us out which thankfully was a few minutes later. I quietly slipped away after the door was opened.

Later that night I went to Company to get some dinner but when I got there Harley and Rick were there with the baby and their friends were with them. Apparently they told her family that I was with her when the baby was born because both her father and brother came to thank me.

They didn’t bother me as I ate nor did I bother them. I had just finished eating as I saw Buzz set a glass of milk on the counter. I knew it had to be for Harley so I took it to her. It was then she reminded me she didn’t want me to smoke around her kid and it was then after she thought I was leaving that I told her I was going to be staying in Springfield.

When someone else came to see the baby I went back to my seat at the counter and I listened to their conversation about picking a baby name (why do they want to make it so complicated??) They wanted a double name so Harley started going through names that would go with Cooper-Bauer, none of the names fit in my opinion so I asked Harley what her favorite song was and then to follow her heart.

The little boy that I helped deliver finally had a name: Jude Cooper-Bauer.

Today was a day full of adrenaline for me LOL first I helped Harley and second in helping her I learned a truth that I’ve been trying not to acknowledge…

It was in the jail cell today with Harley that I realized it.

Let me see if I can clarify it better. It was at the point that I had pushed the hair off her face and she held my hand through a contraction. I was watching her; just taking in how beautiful her face was to me.

She’ll always be beautiful to me. I happened to glance down at our hands and I realized I think I’m beginning to fall for Harley Cooper.

But the thing is I CAN’T fall for anyone. I’m a loner I’ve been a loner all my life.

I’ll have to do whatever I can to fight my feelings because Harley can’t know how I’m starting to feel.

But whatever I do I can’t let her down.

More Later…

Gus softly ran his fingers through her hair as she put the journal down.

“Sweetie that is the cutest entry I’ve read.” Harley said grinning. “Yeah I thought you might find it so.” He said kissing her hair.

“I was so tired when I said I wanted to quit.”

“I knew you were honey I could see it in your eyes. But I knew I had to get you to relax somehow and since we weren’t the most trusted partners I thought maybe if I got you to laugh…” he answered.

“You weren’t really going to quit on me then?”

He shook his head, “Nope not a chance, you still had a baby to get here and I wasn’t going to give up on you. See when you laughed you relaxed enough to keep going and I knew it when I took your hand again.”

Harley smiled, “You know I love your eyes right?” she asked Gus and he nodded “When I focused on you that’s when I realized I loved your eyes.” “Really?” he asked “Yeah.”

“O honey I wasn’t beautiful that day I was sweaty, scared and hurting because of the contractions. Harley tried to sternly say.

Gus laughed, “I know you were all of those things Coop but when I felt what I felt that day you were beautiful to me even though you were sweaty, scared because Rick wasn’t with you, and hurting.”

“You needed me and I wasn’t going to let you down.” He stated as he finished

“You can’t fall in love Gus?” Harley wondered.

“What’s it matter now… the point is I did and I love the blonde that broke through the walls around this loner’s heart.” Gus said as he kissed her with so much love.

Breaking the kiss he reached for the phone and dialed the pizza place and ordered their dinner. Hanging up he winked at her as she took his hand.

[Shanna]

From Nicholas to Gus... Chapter 11

When the door bell rang a few minutes later they both smiled. Harley had meant to read more until the pizza arrived but Gus had stopped her by saying that he just wanted some of their silent moments together and she had agreed since she knew it was hard for him that she was reading his thoughts (the thoughts he never thought anyone one would see.) Neither understood it enough to explain it to anyone but they both knew that they didn’t necessarily need words to talk to each other, they knew that just a look or touch or kiss or even a hug could say so much to each other and no words were needed.

Once the doorbell broke their quiet time Gus took her hand and pulled her off the bed making sure she brought the journal. “See why I said nobody would understand if they ever read this… to everyone that saw me I was just a vindictive loner who nobody could love or understand.” He remarked opening the door.

After paying for the pizza Gus pushed the door shut and took it to the coffee table where they could be comfortable and sit. Going to the kitchen Harley got the drinks for them while Gus got paper plates. While she filled the glasses Harley continued, “In regards to what you said before you opened the door honey--.” He looked at her as he got napkins, “Yeah?”

“You just needed time until you found the one that would understand you.” She replied.

“No you have that backwards, she found me and when I pushed her she pushed back until I realized she would understand.” He answered smiling as Harley followed him into the family room.

Sitting down together they each got slices and began to eat. Gus picked up the journal and opened it to where Harley was. Seeing the entry he glanced at her, “Baby I want to read you the next to entries ok?” he asked. She nodded as they each took a bite “Are you sure sweetie?” she wondered and he nodded and after letting out a slow breath began:

It’s been several months since the last entry… If I remember correctly the last entry was about Jude’s birth.

Anyway in the last several months I’ve been working and trying to get myself settled into life here in Springfield so let me see if I can sum up what’s happened in those months.

I slipped out of town later that night after I’d been at Company the night Jude had been born. Knowing no one would care or miss me I hopped in my car and drove. I just wanted space so I drove so I could see the stars above me and feel the wind on my face. I didn’t care where I ended up that night I just had to leave Springfield, her.

Not knowing for sure exactly where I ended up that night all I can remember was being dead on my feet and as I drifted off seeing her hand clasped in mine. The next morning when I got breakfast I saw the town paper… Brewster Falls. I’d come back there. Without thinking I headed back to the jail. When I got there the sheriff saw me and told me he was glad I’d come back cuz the little lady had left her phone behind. He gave it to me and I thanked him. I was going to drop it off at Company but as I drove one thing was clear even if I had to fight feelings seeing her was better than not. So for the same reason last night I had to clear my head… I had to go back.

After seeing her that afternoon I went to meet with Franklin at the station and he offered me a job on the SFPD and I took it and Harley would once again be my partner. I figured staying here would be the best way to keep tabs on Mr. Santos and his bunch including his mother. I couldn’t let them go… they had to be brought to justice; I couldn’t rest until they were.

So began my living in Springfield. We both tried to work on a rhythm that wouldn’t get on each other’s nerves, but as always it didn’t work. I annoyed her and I was driving myself crazy. It was shortly after beginning to work that I heard talk that Harley had asked Rick to marry her. I asked her and she said it was true (I can’t believe it!!!)

Sometime later I began to notice slight changes in our working rhythm, sure we still fought like crazy but yet the times we ran theories off each other worked pretty well. Occasionally I catch her glancing my way. (I can hope she likes my looks!)

One of the days I remember; is the day I told Harley how I felt. I’d come to see her about something and we ended up in one of our full blown arguments and she asked me what was I after?

She didn’t expect my answer: Her! She wanted me to explain but I could see in her eyes I didn’t need to… she knew. I knew in my head how it was supposed to be with us but she didn’t want to understand although she did.

Little by little we both started acting like partners not full blown enemies. She still never fully understood why I went after Danny and Carmen so I didn’t tell her everything about a tip I’d received one day about the warehouse fire. I’d come there to catch Carmen but ended up rescuing Danny instead. We both ended up going to the hospital and there I saw Coop a few minutes later, she kept telling me I should be looked at. She kept talking to me but the more I tried to focus; I got woozy and grabbed her hand. I don’t remember anything else. I guess I passed out.

Harley was the first thing I thought of when I woke up in the hospital. I guess it was because she was the last I saw before I passed out… who knows!

She did come by the hospital later that day… probably to check on Danny Santos and see if he was stable. Whatever reason she came by my room and once again we ended up in a fight, I blamed her about me being in the hospital and had she been my partner like she was supposed to be I wouldn’t have been caught in the fire.

Blowing up at me again she let me have it about my obsession with Danny and that it was unhealthy to have that deep or strong obsession. After that she left.

After I was out of the hospital we managed a civil work relationship and we began to be nice to each other.

She still doesn’t understand that I won’t stop until justice is reached one way or another.

More Later…

She reached for his hand as he took a drink, “You okay baby?” He nodded, “Yeah it’s just hard to read these entries in places because it makes me see how much of a loner I am.” He replied quietly

“I know sweetie.” She answered as they both ate more. Kissing her hand he turned the page.

[Shanna]

From Nicholas to Gus... Chapter 12

Okay I don’t think I can think straight right this minute to write this entry but I’ll try… just give me a second.

WE KISSED TONIGHT!!

Oh man my heart is still racing… I thought the drive back to my hotel room would give me time to calm down but the more I think about what happened in the Bauer bedroom tonight –the more I just keep seeing her face. And I know in the Bauer house of all places!

Can’t really say exactly why I went to the Bauer house tonight! It wasn’t necessarily to check with Michelle and see how Danny was although I did save the guys life, so I did see her. I dunno maybe it was to check on Jude and see how he was doing.

Okay Gus who are you trying to kid… I went over there tonight to see Harley. I have feelings for her and I think she may be beginning to feel something for me but I can’t be for sure. I wanted to see her.

How was I supposed to know they were having a party there! (I think it was something for Harley’s niece maybe) I decided to stay – there was food there after all. She didn’t see me when I first walked in but I saw her immediately… she is beautiful!

After speaking with Michelle I made my way over to the buffet and sort of lurked; I knew Harley would see me eventually (and probably be irritated.) LOL She finally saw me and told me to get out she didn’t want me there!

I asked her how bad she wanted me to leave and she just rolled her eyes.

I needed to figure out a way to stay there… I just couldn’t leave yet, but how?

I did want to see Jude again so I asked her. When I asked her she said he hadn’t changed. Telling her I wouldn’t stay long… I’d just take a peek at the little guy then I’d leave. Harley nodded and I headed upstairs.

As I was leaving the baby’s room Harley for some reason pulled me in to a bedroom and shut the door, her eyes were shooting flames at me and I didn’t know why.

She was frustrated I could see that. In her frustration she asked why I was everywhere she went. Wanting to let me know I wasn’t family she told me I needed to go. Harley seemed to know the question I never asked but answered it anyway…

“Why?” (Did she want me to leave?) Within her answer she said I made her doubt what she had with Jude’s father. I tried to explain the fact that I didn’t know she was going to be in those certain places.

Even though we were both frustrated we did manage to talk civilly for a bit until she unknowing cast the blame on me for our flirtation --- I’ve tried to keep my feelings to myself since I know she wants to be with Rick Bauer. I see her as well she’s trying to fight something for me as well so I guess you could say we are both to blame.

When I told her we were both guilty she blew up at me… (Not again!) I told her she couldn’t keep from looking at me, then of course she said no way and we argued about Rick.

I’d had it! I yelled at her that Rick was great he really was but he didn’t make her feel anything like I did. I had made her feel happy, angry. She wanted to know if those were good things… (For her they were.)


As I was talking about how she probably hadn’t felt those things for some time. I could see she was shocked.

She asked me to go!

Because I cared for her, I told her it was her mistake but I would honor it. Since this was her choice I would leave and let her have the life with Rick.

Inside my heart was doing double time but I respected that she’d finally made a choice and as much as it hurt to leave her I would and move on but yet she would always be in my heart.

So I turned to go to the door even as I looked at her and said Goodbye! My feet didn’t seem to move after I said that so I looked back at her…

It was the look on her face then that made my feet move. She looked shocked, sad, and like it would break her heart if I walked out.

I don’t remember moving. But I did because I knew it would kill me if I didn’t kiss her then so as I held her we kissed. I remember she quietly said she hated me and answering her frustration and anger I told her I hated her too. Then I let myself over to our kiss.

It was a kiss begun from Anger but simmered to want instead of the anger.

I felt her began to let go and realized Rick was in the room and he told me to get out!

I made some comment but don’t remember what exactly I said. With one last look at Harley and the feel of her kiss, I left her.

She’s fighting the same feelings I am.

More Later…

[Shanna]

From Nicholas to Gus... Chapter 13 (PG)

“You were weren’t you?” Gus asked when he put the journal down.

“Were what?” Harley asked but Gus could see the teasing glint in her eyes when he responded, “Fighting the same feelings I was.”

“Yes I was and they scared me beyond belief.” Harley answered as Gus watched her.

“I wanted not to feel these things for you, but little by little I was seeing you – especially whenever I watched you with the boys. You’d play with them or if we were working late at the house you’d help me put them to bed or read them their story. I couldn’t help but begin to see a man I could easily fall for and that scared me.”

Gus moved the journal out of the way and reached over and caressed her cheek with a finger. “No more tonight.” She smiled as she moved closer to him and he wrapped an arm over her shoulder as she leaned into him.

“We have the house to ourselves let’s just enjoy it honey.” Gus replied kissing her hair absently as he hugged her close.

They both just enjoyed being together as they leaned against the couch. Harley lightly rested her hand on Gus’s thigh as he ran a hand slowly through her hair.

She slowly ran her hand to the inside of his thigh and smiled hearing the growl deep in his throat.

“Coop?”

“Yeah Gus?” she said looking at him. When she did she saw that he had his dark blue shirt un-buttoned all the way. Seeing him like that in his jeans and un-buttoned shirt took her breath away. She couldn’t help but stare.

He saw her eyes change and leaned in to kiss her.

They kissed until they had to break for air. When she began to breathe again, “Take it off.” She said roughly as she tried to breathe normally.

Gus nodded as he pushed the table aside then flung the shirt somewhere behind him as he took it off. Once he had it off Harley grabbed the blanket from the back of the couch and left it close by then gently pushed him to the floor.

He looked up at her as she lay over him and began kissing him again. She wanted to pleasure him and show him how much he meant to her. Hearing his breath hitch she kissed his neck as she softly ran a hand down his side.

“Harley?” he called on a moan.

“No, just relax.” She replied seeing he was watching her through half closed eyes.

Ever so slowly starting at his throat she began kissing her way down his chest. Placing a gentle kiss over his heart she felt him run a hand over her hair. As she continued down his hand fell away. Reaching his stomach she ran a hand softly over it as she felt it jump beneath her hand.

Harley smiled as she saw him watching her as she slowly undid his belt and unsnap his jeans. Gus couldn’t take it anymore, he was getting hot all over at what Harley was doing to him.

Gus couldn’t stand it… taking her hand he pulled her back up his body and holding her tight rolled with her so that she was laying on the floor. Looking at her he claimed her mouth with his and plundered.

Gently Gus even as he continued kissing her, began shedding Harley of her clothes, he kissed her cheeks, nose, eyes then he moved to kiss her shoulders then placing a soft kiss on her lips he sat up and pushing her top up pulled it over her head.

The more he kissed her the rest of their clothes disappeared and he began to show her the love she showed him. Harley lifted her hand to Gus’s lips and he stopped when she gently began to trace his lips with her finger.

“I love you Gus.” she whispered.

He stopped and kissed her finger then leaning in as their desire built hugged her tight.

“I love you too Coop.” He answered as their desire took over.

They both became lost in the sensation of the feelings and emotions, when Harley met him move for move all she seemed to focus on was his eyes as they said “I love you” in their loving dark depths.

They fit as one and when they reached the height of passion all either could do was hold on as they kissed one last time and followed a kaleidoscope of color as he saw her eyes go blind and she saw his eyes darken.

Gus and Harley lay side by side as they allowed time for their breath to come back. When he could breathe easier Gus sat up and grabbed the blanket off the couch and laid it over them. Once she was snuggled close to him again he pulled the blanket over her so she’d stay warm.

Harley laid her head on his shoulder as his arm came around her and he kissed her temple.

“You mean everything to me Harley.” He said.

“And you mean everything to me Gus.” Harley said lightly kissing his shoulder.

He began to caress her arm as he felt her breathing even out in sleep. All he wanted to do now was to watch her sleep, he loved watching her, seeing her sleep he saw the soft, warm, yet fragile woman she could be and he loved every aspect of her.

Gus must have dozed off because the next time he woke he looked at the clock and saw it was 1:45 a.m.

Carefully, he stood and stepped into his boxers after pulling them on he leaned down lifting her carefully then carried her upstairs. Placing her in bed he took the blanket from her and covered her with the covers. After placing the blanket on the chair Gus climbed in bed beside her; holding her close.

“You have my heart Harley.” Gus whispered kissing her cheek.

After tucking her head back against his shoulder; Gus let sleep take him once again.

Going back to sleep he remembered the one time that no one but Harley could soothe his heart and mind by just being there.

[Shanna]

From Nicholas to Gus... Chapter 14

The sunlight poured through the window and across Harley’s face. Feeling the warmth on her eyes she slowly opened them as they began to adjust to the light.

Not knowing exactly where she was for a minute she looked around and realized she was upstairs in their bedroom. Gus must have carried me up here last night. She thought as she carefully turned and stretched. The last thing she remembered was falling asleep in Gus’s arms and they were downstairs.

Turning her head so she could see him, she saw that he was sleeping peacefully so she watched him for a few minutes then she climbed out of bed. Wanting him to enjoy the day where he could just do nothing Harley carefully covered him up then grabbing some clothes went into the bathroom to shower.

Thirty minutes later, after she’d showered and dressed she opened the door and after turning off the light walked out glad to see that the shower hadn’t woken Gus. Going to the mirror she ran a brush through her wet hair then going to the door took once last glance at the man she loved then went downstairs.

Once she was in the kitchen she poured herself a glass of orange juice and fixed a bagel. She and Gus always had their coffee together so she’d wait until he was up to have her coffee.

Putting the bagel on a plate and picking up her juice Harley walked to the family room and had to smile when she saw the disarray. Carefully moving the coffee table back in place she sat on the sofa and began to eat. As she was eating she remembered the journal lying on the corner of the table.

Picking it up she held it as she took a sip of juice and she thought about everything she’d read so far. Her man was letting her all the way in his heart by letting her read his most personal thoughts and feelings, she knew he wanted to be with her as she continued to read but something told her the next entry would be hard for him if she read it with him there so after taking a bite of bagel she opened the journal to where they had left off and began to read:

I have to get this out of my head! If I don’t I’ll lose it I swear I will.

I had Danny Santos brought in today on the premises of a busted tail light but in all honesty that’s not why. Gotta let this thing go and I don’t know how exactly to do that.

Danny asked me why I saved his life. He wondered if it was just so I could keep chasing him. He assumes it’s based on our history and he’s right I brought him in today so we could settle this for good before it kills me.

“Oh honey!” Harley whispers quietly as she stares at the words once more and continues

He’s never had to work for anything in his life!

It’s the little stuff that people take for granted that he still had and I didn’t—like hugs from my dad, or having dad coach my little league, or making repairs to my toys. As I got older it was learning to tie my tie right, etc… it was those things I didn’t have that have mounted up and played a part in who I am.

Danny asked what I wanted: I want my father back!

There are some nights I don’t sleep because those voices are still in my head! I want it to stop… I have to get this out of my head! If I don’t I’ll lose it I swear I will.

Danny finally realized why I had hauled him in and had a good laugh or so I thought he would (Why did I think he could help me?) But he saw my face and knew I was serious.

I’m sick of fighting myself, I’m tired!

Harley had to stop and wipe the tears away before she could continue reading. Holding the journal to her heart she stared at the ceiling for a few minutes thinking about Gus who was sleeping above her in their bedroom.

“You knew…” she said. After wiping the tears she found her place again.

Danny started shouting harassment again… I think it was his way of giving me time… I can’t be sure but whatever it was, I guess Harley couldn’t take much more of knowing two bitter enemies were together because she came in threatening that what I was doing was going to get me thrown from the force… (Maybe so but I had to do it) and was telling me to arrest him or let him go.

Coop just doesn’t understand… I wish she did, god I wish she did.

Danny tried to stop her and finally did and she must have seen something in the way he looked at her along with what he said because she finally backed off and left.

He told me if I wanted to end this I had too because nobody could do it but me. But if I wanted to end up hooked on the revenge I had in me like a junkie that was my choice, but I’d destroy myself and the lives around me.

Harley? I couldn’t do that to her.

I said something about respecting dad and Danny said I wasn’t respecting what dad earned but wasting it.

Was I? Was I wasting it?

Then Danny asked me something I’ll never forget: Why did I become a cop… to honor my dad or be bent on getting revenge? I just looked at him as he continued and said I should let all this go and let someone into my life.

I’d decided to let him go and told him just before Harley and Michelle walked in. I watched them as everything Danny had said whirled around in my brain.

I remember Danny looked at me giving me a knowing look then he quietly slipped out with his wife.

Could I let someone in?

I remember, Harley closed the door and just waited. I don’t know but I remember I felt peace as she stood there. At that point I realized no one but Harley could soothe my heart and mind by just being there.

Harley had to stop and had to re-read those last words again, she knew she’d always remember those words. She glanced toward the stairs but her gaze stopped on him, he was leaning against the door jamb watching her.

“Morning beautiful.” Gus said softly as he walked to her to give her the morning kiss.

“Which entry are you reading?” he asked after he kissed her. “The Vendetta.” Was all she said?

He nodded and quietly left her to get them their coffee. She waited until he’d come back and after sliding behind her; passed her the mug of coffee as he replied, “Finish reading honey.”

Nodding to him as he held her hand with one hand and took a sip of coffee with the other; he watched her reaction as she finished reading the entry.

She just stood there for a minute and looked at me then asked why I brought him in then released him.

I just couldn’t look at her, I was afraid she’d laugh if she saw how shaken I was. I tried to be the arrogant guy she was used to—told her he’d had a busted tail light and it wasn’t like we were going to be pals. But I still couldn’t let her see; I remember walking toward the wall.

I had to give in -- just had to see her beautiful eyes just so I could steady. Turning to see her, she was right behind me watching me and not saying a word.

She saw how shaken I was but didn’t laugh; I told her I had to let it go. All she said was ‘I know’ and waited me out. I couldn’t stop the tears as I looked at her and told her about something Danny said about me being a revenge junkie. Then I asked what if I didn’t have him to keep me... then what did I have?

I felt her hands on my face and let my tears go; knowing in that moment with her I finally had peace and I could let go. As Danny said I finally could let go. Kissing the palm of her hands she just waited. I looked up at her and she asked What about me?

Did I have her? Looking into her eyes I knew… I wasn’t going to loose it! I wasn’t alone

I could let her in, she did understand and in that moment when I was so shaken she steadied me just by being there; by being her.

More Later
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Harley wasn’t sure what to say and just watched him. “You knew you had to let it go.” She stated.

He nodded, “Yeah I did, but I didn’t know how—the Santos were in my head and I just wanted them to stop.” Gus replied “When it got to where I couldn’t take it anymore I pulled Danny in.”

“You also would’ve wanted me to read this alone?”

He nodded again, “That day hurt so much I don’t think I could’ve sat through it while you read it.” “Well you did.” Harley responded, “Not the worst of it.” Gus answered.

“By letting you in my heart and in my life I could finally let go of the pain of revenge.”

Kissing her, he smiled, “I realized I could love someone, little by little it became clear that it was you – and in loving you I have the family I’ve always needed.”

She smiled, “You say the sweetest things Aitoro.”

Gus felt his heart turn over with love for her; “Read on…” he requested.